Fight the Cultural Current toward Feminism

The effect of culture on a person's thinking and values is profound. It can be hard to overcome. We're all products of our culture in various ways. We're often harsh on the antebellum slave holders for supporting such an overtly wicked practice, but they were influenced by the teaching of their time, including the teaching from their churches. Rather than feel morally superior, it's important to examine our own ideology to see where we may be leaving the teaching of the Bible to follow the norms and ideas of our culture.

 
This is a lifelong process of examination. If you don't actively root out unbiblical ideas, you will drift with the cultural current. Drifting is the default state if you're not paddling upstream. Standing against the culture requires work. It requires being unpopular with your friends who are drifting along and fitting in. It means finding friends who are willing to join you as you work to renew your mind with Biblical truth.

 
One area where I see a LOT of Christians compromising with the world is feminism. It has crept into everything, including nearly all churches. Women are leaving their homes and children to seek careers, disregarding the God-given authority of their husbands, and even pushing their way into church leadership. It's sneaky. It's packaged to sound like it's good. It's "empowerment" and "ministry" and "setting a good example for our daughters" and "being a witness in public schools." These are the lipstick on the pig. They're rationalization for not obeying God's instructions.

 
Titus 2:3-5
Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.

 
Did you catch that? When women disobey this passage and leave their God-given role, they cause the word of God to be dishonored. That's very serious.

 
Yet so many women outsource the discipleship of their own children to non-Christian strangers for hours every day (public schools) and leave the ordering of their own household to seek acclaim in the business world or popularity in the church for their "ministry." If you're a mother with young children still at home, the primary ministry to which God has called you is the discipleship and care for your very own children. Never give that up for anything! If you want to do something important for God, there it is. You have a ready-made ministry in your own home. No one can have the influence you have there. You're replaceable in the workforce. You're replaceable in church ministry. No one can replace you in the lives of your children.

 
Of course, this ministry of discipling our own children is HARD! There are several things against us.

 
First of all, raising children takes a lot of work. It can be exhausting and emotionally draining. And there's not a lot of immediate gratification. Kids rarely say thank you for all the training you put into them, and they will shortly undo the housework you just finished. They will push your buttons and test your patience. Parenting is not for the faint-hearted. In the office, you get applause for your finished project. In the church, you get applause for your ministry. At home, not so much. Wiping runny noses and making dinner and vacuuming the floor (again) don't seem so adventurous or important, and yet they're a lot of hard work. It's easy to think our efforts would produce more return somewhere else.

Second, we have our own fallen nature to fight. We all tend to want what we don't have. We all tend to find it easier to do the wrong thing. So the man who was called to be the provider and leader often finds this calling to be difficult and burdensome. Meanwhile, the woman who was called to keep the home and care for children and submit to her husband finds this calling burdensome. They each feel the other has the better role precisely because of the curse. Doing our own role requires fighting our own desires sometimes. We tend to think God made a mistake and we can fix it. It seems easier and more pleasant doing it our way.

 
Third, there's the allure of money. A career brings in money, and money is extremely useful. It can give us things we want, and sometimes things we truly need. It's very difficult to live on one income. It's a sacrifice because our society is built around double incomes and luxury. There's social pressure to make more and have more. There's the rising cost of everything.

 
Fourth, there's the social pressure of the culture which says women should break the glass ceiling and pursue high-powered careers. If a woman cooks food in a restaurant, that's esteemed as a great career. If a woman works as a secretary, handling scheduling and appointments and filing paperwork and paying bills for a boss, that's a good use of her time. If a woman cares for small children all day in a daycare, that's laudable work. If a woman works as a cleaning lady, cleaning homes and businesses, she's doing important work. If a woman teaches children their ABCs or multiplication tables in a school, that's such an important career. But if she does all that and more for her own husband and children in her own home, that's drudgery and beneath her. She needs to escape that life and join the exciting career world. This is what our culture tells us.

 
The culture also pushes egalitarianism, treating men and women as having identical and interchangeable roles. In the church, this turns into women taking church leadership roles, wanting to be pastors and teachers. This is often pushed as a good thing despite the teaching of scripture, which must be explained away with appeals to ancient culture or translation mistakes rather than simply obeying it.

 
With all these factors against us, it's difficult to stand firm on what God's word teaches. It's easy to drift. Doing the right thing takes determination to be obedient to God, no matter the cost. And it will cost you. It may cost you in lost income, lost dreams, lost friends, lost popularity, lost sleep, and much more. So why do it if it costs so much? Because obedience to God is worth it. He will reward you. There is no better place to be than in the center of God's will. Count the cost. Then choose to be obedient. Fight the current. Stand for Jesus.

Husband as Head of the Wife does NOT mean Source

It is a common egalitarian argument to claim the husband being the head over the wife doesn't mean he's the leader or authority, but only source. That's simply not true. Some have apparently noticed that the word head is used for the source of a river and thought they could explain away the Biblical teaching that husbands are head over their wives by claiming it just means the husband is a head in the sense of a river's head is its source. There are multiple problems with this line of argument.

First, the original word in Greek, kephale, actually means a head, like the part of your body where your face and brain are. Figurative meanings like the head of a river are secondary and derive from the literal meaning of a head on a body.

Second, the Biblical passages in question clearly use head and body metaphors for the relationship between husband and wife, not river metaphors.

Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Note here that the analogy given is that the husband and wife are like Christ and the church. Just as Christ is the head and the church is the body of Christ, so husband is to be the head over his wife and treat her as his own body by cherishing her. So this is clearly a head/body comparison, not talking about the head of a river. Just read the context. It's clear.

Third, we see that the very text using this head metaphor clearly states that wives are to submit to their husbands. So again, we have clear contextual evidence to show us this is about submission to authority. It doesn't make any sense for Paul to be commanding wives to be sure they originate from their husbands because he's the head and she's the river. That's not what it says. The Bible says submit. This is about authority.

Fourth, the husband is not the source of his wife. My source is my parents, not my husband. The ONLY case where the husband was actually the source of his wife was Adam and Eve, but that doesn't apply to any other marriage. So it doesn't make sense for Paul to tell people in his day (or people in our day) that the husband is the source of his wife. If anything, that's way weirder than teaching that the husband is in authority over his wife. I mean, think about how weird it would be if Paul was really telling us that the husband is the origin and source of his wife in some way, like that she doesn't exist as a person until she marries and somehow originates from her husband. Creepy. I think I'll stick with the Biblical teaching, thanks.

This line of argument that head only means source and not authority is just a really bad attempt to get around the clear teaching of scripture. It has been repeated so often that people just keep passing it around, but it doesn't take a scholar to see that it doesn't fit the Biblical text.

The Bible does actually teach that husbands have authority over their wives to which the wives have a responsibility to submit. It's not an unlimited authority, obviously. Only God has unlimited authority. But an authority structure in marriage where the husband leads and the wife submits is taught in scripture.

Egalitarianism is a Step Toward Acceptance of Homosexuality

Egalitarianism is the gateway drug to acceptance of homosexuality. Once you accept that men and women are interchangeable in their marriage roles, why not in the bedroom?

If men and women have no specific roles in marriage such that the woman is to have certain responsibilities because she is the female and the man is to have certain responsibilities because he is the male, then why do you need one of each sex? Some might say that you need a male and female to produce children, but fewer and fewer see any reason why marriage and children are connected. If we accept that a marriage need not be open to children, then why does the ability to create children form a requirement for marriage?

It is also very notable that every church denomination that has accepted homosexuality has first adopted egalitarianism and female pastors and they use the same arguments for both positions. If "there is no male or female in Christ" means men and women are interchangeable and have no difference in roles, but should be treated identically in every respect, then that means we can't tell the difference between men and women when it comes to what marriage is either.

The two positions are logically connected, not because egalitarianism entails acceptance for homosexuality, but because acceptance of homosexuality entails egalitarianism. If you accept homosexuality as normal and healthy, then you necessarily accept egalitarianism.

Egalitarianism is the premise that men and women are not complementary, or at least that they don't need to be - that there is no design such that men and women are fundamentally different in complementary ways. There's no requirement that a healthy relationship requires a woman who is feminine and a man who is masculine under this view. Egalitarianism claims that the man and woman can act exactly the same, with the same responsibilities as one another, or that the woman could hold the masculine roles while the man holds the feminine roles. It doesn't matter how they do it, in this view. There's no proper roles. They don't have to complement one another. A union of two sames is just as normal and good.

Homosexuality is a further step that claims even their bodies need not be male and female. But you have to accept that there is no complementary design of males and females in order to accept that a healthy relationship could include two people of the same sex. You have to start with egalitarianism in order to get to acceptance of homosexuality. Egalitarianism lowers the activation energy necessary to accept homosexuality, if you will (to use a chemistry analogy).

If you believe that males and females are complementary by design, each having attributes throughout their design that provide something the other needs and lacks, then homosexuality is dead in the water. It could not possibly be healthy or proper. But you're already a lot closer to accepting homosexuality as a valid and healthy type of relationship if you don't see any reason that men and women have a complementary design that shows us their proper roles in the relationship.

Preparing for Marriage: Self-Improvement

In a previous article, I recommended that Christian singles make an intentional effort to move toward marriage. If you don't aim for marriage and take concrete steps to get there, you may marry much later than you should or, potentially, not marry at all. So, how do you move towards marriage? It can help to have some practical ways to prepare for marriage. That's why I'm starting a series on the topic.

There are several ways to move toward marriage besides building a romantic relationship. You don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend right now in order to prepare yourself for marriage.

Even if you are dating or engaged, there are probably ways you still need to prepare for marriage. And if you aren't dating or engaged now, you can still move toward marriage by preparing yourself in several areas.

I would group these kinds of pursuits into 3 categories: Self-improvement, searching for a partner, and initiating a relationship. In this post, I will talk about ways to improve yourself in order to make yourself more ready for marriage. 

We all have areas we could improve. Working on yourself is something you can do without a date and will help you get closer to marriage readiness. You don't have to reach some magical "readiness" point before you can pursue a relationship or move toward marriage, but some facets of your marriage resume, as it were, are more helpful than others. 

Good Character

The most important aspect of preparing for marriage is developing good character. This is something all Christians should do anyway, whether or not they marry. So you can't go wrong in improving your character. The effort will never be wasted. Identify your character flaws (we all have them) and work on them through prayer, Bible study, practicing better behavior, finding mentors who will help you, and seeking the accountability of the body of Christ. Whether you struggle with anger, lust, laziness, greed, gluttony, pride, selfishness, or any other sin, God calls you to grow in grace and to overcome these sins through the power of the Holy Spirit. Study the Fruit of the Spirit and develop them in your life. They are attractive on everybody and very useful for building a strong marriage.

This point cannot be overemphasized. Your character defines how you will treat your future spouse, as well as everyone else. Your character defines whether you will be faithful, trustworthy, kind, encouraging, loving, and self-controlled. The marriage you build will depend directly and unavoidably on what kind of people you and your spouse are. There is no substitute for good character. It is vital to a good marriage. You should be looking for a spouse of good character, but you should also be a person of good character. You want to be the kind of person that the kind of spouse you are looking for will want to marry.

Social Skills

Another area to work on is social skills. Some people have more difficulty in social interactions than others. If this is something you struggle with, learning how to develop your social skills may help you meet, attract, and build a relationship with a good potential spouse. Social skills are about learning to put other people at ease around you and carry on pleasant and useful interactions with them. Building a relationship headed toward marriage usually begins when someone finds you interesting and pleasant to be around. Social skills really help with that.

Social skills include things like how to introduce yourself, how to make small talk, how to pay attention to non-verbal cues from people, how to have a conversation without either dominating it or making the other person work to draw you out, how to be considerate of other people's feelings, how to confront someone gently, how to apologize, and how to smooth over social tensions. If you are especially shy, cocky, awkward, withdrawn, brash, or insensitive, it can affect how other people see you and how willing they are to get to know you better. You might have lots of great qualities, but if they never get to know you, they won't know that. Don't let poor social skills scuttle your chances of building stable and rewarding relationships. Like building good character, developing good social skills is useful even for those who do not marry. So it is not wasted effort.

Financial Wisdom

One very useful area of self-improvement is financial preparation. Financial issues are one of the most common problems within marriage. Being financially stable and having good money habits helps get a marriage off to an easier start. Now, money is not everything. It's not about how much money you have, per se. It's about how wise you are with the money you have. You don't need a 5-figure nest egg before you marry. However, you do need to know how to live within your means, save for the future, avoid wasteful spending, and pay bills on time, at the very minimum.

For men, it is important that they develop a stable career that can provide for a family. God has called men to be the providers, which means that men preparing for marriage should be demonstrating that they can provide for a family while women preparing for marriage should be learning how to live within their future husband's income. Women should be evaluating potential husbands on their work ethic and responsibility with money because they will need to rely on their husband for provision. If he can't keep a job or spends as much or more than he makes, run away, ladies. Similarly, men should be evaluating potential wives by their ability to handle money wisely, such as living frugally and understanding the value of money. Preparing to show a potential spouse that you can handle money wisely is a big part of being attractive as a marriage partner.

Physical Attractiveness

Yet another area of preparation is physical preparation. This includes physical fitness, mental health, personal grooming, and overall appearance. Let's be honest. You're obviously going to be more attractive to the opposite sex if you're not an overweight couch potato wearing sloppy or dirty clothes and you bathe and groom yourself and don't have neurotic or obsessive tendencies. Get yourself as healthy and attractive as you can.

Of course, health and physical appearance is not everything. Not everyone is model material. Most of us have imperfections. Some people have health problems that are not their fault and that they can't change. Plus, you are likely to have to deal with various health problems as you age and a marriage is going to have to hold up in sickness and in health.

However, if you're trying to get someone to want to get to know you in the first place, make sure any health or appearance issues you have aren't of your own making. And do your best with what you have when it comes to your appearance. Sometimes a change in hairstyle or clothing or exercise habits can make a big difference. Ask some trustworthy friends if there are changes you can make that would make you more attractive.

Another aspect of the physical attractiveness issue is being honest about your own attractiveness. Like it or not, most people marry someone who is similar in physical attractiveness to themselves. If you're a super model, you can probably be really picky about who you go out with, but if you're average, holding out for a super model means you're going to stay single. Be realistic.

Other Useful Skills

One other way to prepare for marriage is to develop skills, habits, and hobbies that will make your future marriage more enjoyable and make you more attractive to potential spouses. Most people like to be around people who can do cool or useful things. Plus, sharing a common interest or hobby is a great way to meet new people. So find something you like to do and pursue it.

For men, learn to do handyman work like basic plumbing, electrical, or carpentry. It saves a lot of money if you can fix simple broken things around the house. It can also be helpful if you can do simple maintenance on vehicles like changing the oil or fixing a flat tire. A lot of women really appreciate a man who knows how to do these kinds of things.

For women, learn how to cook. Food is something your family needs every single day. Making a variety of delicious, nutritious foods on a budget is a vital skill. Developing your skills as a good cook is also a great way to catch a man's attention. Most men would prefer a wife who knows how to cook.

For both sexes, learn more about the Bible. You can never know too much about the Bible. Develop your apologetics skills. Be ready to give an answer to anyone who asks you about your faith. This is not only a Biblical command and very attractive to godly potential spouses, but very useful when you have children as you will need to disciple them in the faith. This is also an important part of developing good character. Don't just learn what it says, but practice what it teaches.

If you have spare time and you have your character and social skills and finances in good order, find a hobby you enjoy and pursue it. These can include things like hiking, bird-watching, sewing, coin collecting, flying an airplane, building model cars, painting or drawing, playing a musical instrument, or something similar. Having something that makes you unique and shows you to be capable of investing time in something worthwhile make you a more interesting person. And you just might find someone else who appreciates your particular skills or shares your passion.

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These are just some of the major ways you can improve yourself as you prepare for marriage. And you don't have to stop after you're married either. All of us can improve in various ways. 

      

Marriage Role Reversal Will Make Husbands and Wives Feel Unhappy and Unloved

In my last post, I discussed how children need discipline in order to feel loved. You can give them gifts and attention and let them do all kinds of fun things, but they won't feel properly loved unless they are disciplined. God designed children to need discipline, and when they don't get it, they will be unhappy and feel isolated and alone and unloved. It's an emotional need that is not being met.

There's an interesting parallel in marriage. God designed women to need leadership from their husbands in order to feel loved. Not only did God give the husband the position of authority and leadership in the home, but He did so because it is best for both men and women.

Men have a need to lead. They're designed for it. They don't feel loved if their wives don't follow their lead. At the same time, God made women to need to be led. They don't feel loved if they are in control. They feel abandoned and lonely when they aren't following their husband's lead. They need the husband to be the head, to lead them and protect them - physically and emotionally.

What too often happens in a marriage is that the wife pushes for control. She thinks she wants to take the lead. She's trying to get her way because we always want our own way, even when it's not good for us. This is the sinful tendency of all of us. Ever since the fall, the main temptation of women is to try to take the lead in marriage.

So this newly married woman starts pushing for control. She may not even realize that is what she is doing. It's just that she knows so much more than her husband, or she feels really strongly that a certain course of action is the right one, or she can't see why they should do what her husband wants instead of what she wants since he's supposed to want to please her, right? There are all kinds of reasons that she can come up with that she's right and her husband is wrong. But she's sure her husband should be doing this her way and she lets him know it.

Meanwhile, the husband's greatest temptation is to give in to his wife - to be passive and follow her lead. Leading isn't always easy. It means taking the flak when people don't agree and taking the blame if things don't turn out well. It means being somewhat alone because you're the only one who has the responsibility of making the final decision. It means making a lot of effort to weigh the possible choices and settle on one. It's often easier to follow than to lead. So ever since the fall, this is the temptation for men. They find it easier to give up their proper position of leadership and follow instead.

So the wife is letting her displeasure be known and pushing for the husband to give in to her choice instead. Leading takes a lot of effort and it isn't getting him any brownie points because she's mad or upset over what he's trying to do. So he gives in.

The problem develops when this becomes a pattern. Over time, it becomes easier and easier for the husband to give in and easier and easier for the wife to push for her way. They reverse roles. Now, she's the leader and he's the follower. But neither finds this situation satisfying.

The husband doesn't feel loved because his wife isn't following his lead. His emotional needs are not being met. She's telling him what to do. She's more like his mother than his wife. (Now, that will kill attraction in a hurry.) She doesn't trust him to make decisions by himself. She doesn't respect him enough to follow him.

The wife doesn't feel loved because she isn't being led. Her emotional needs are not being met. How can she feel loved when he's left her alone to have to make all the decisions, without his protection? She can't respect him when he isn't strong enough to take the lead. She needs the security of having a strong man, and she feels exposed and vulnerable when her man isn't leading. She might think she wants the leadership when it comes to getting her way, but the burden of leading weighs on her because it's a burden she was never designed to bear.

This is the situation so many marriages develop. It's even worse today than for many in the past because our society actively pushes role reversal. The husband isn't leading. The wife isn't being led. And both are unhappy. They can't connect well because they're not in their proper roles. They both feel isolated, unheard, unloved, and frustrated, but they may not be able to discern why. In many cases, they decide they have drifted apart and they divorce. They both believe the other person isn't who they married any more and things didn't turn out the way they thought.

In reality, they're suffering a lack of proper marriage roles. Men and women are designed for different things. Marriage has a particular design that fulfills the needs of both spouses, if they stick to their roles. Men and women have different needs. Men need to lead to feel loved. Women need to be led in order to feel loved. If they stay in their proper roles, and if both are being generous to one another, then they will both feel loved. But when they reverse roles, they don't feel satisfied or loved.

The Bible tells us all of this. It tells the husband that he is the head (Ephesians 5:23) and calls him to lead and protect his wife. It tells the wife to be sure she submits to her husband's leadership and respects him (Ephesians 5:22, 33). These aren't arbitrary rules. They are rooted in God's design for men and women since creation. The leadership of husbands and the submission of wives is also intended to reflect the union of Christ and the church. Imagine if Christ were to constantly give in to the church because the church wants its own way. That's not how it works. And a marriage doesn't work properly when husband and wife leave their designed roles either. Christ is the head of the church. This is not only good for Christ, but good for the church. In the same way, husbands are supposed to be the head of the home. This is not only good for the husband, but also good for the wife.

The modern church has too often ignored or flouted God's design for marriage by not upholding Biblical marriage roles. Some deny that there are any proper marriage roles in the first place. Others claim there are roles, but then rob those roles of any power or usefulness by claiming a husband leads by giving in to his wife. They usually call this "servant leadership." They think a husband leads by serving his wife, catering to her desires and doing what she thinks is best in an attempt to make her happy. This is not only unbiblical, but it doesn't work.

While serving one another is an important part of marriage, it is not correct to say that a husband should lead by serving his wife. That's just a back door to have the wife in charge. If you tell a man to lead by serving his wife, what you're telling him is that he has to make his wife happy as his first priority. When she wants or needs something, he should serve her, and then call that leadership. But in saying this, you've made the desires of the wife the gold standard of what needs to be done. In order to be a "leader," he has to do things for her that she wants. So she's really in charge. She's setting the goals.

Saying a man leads by serving has it all backwards. The truth is, a man serves his wife by leading her. He may serve her in other ways too, but leadership - real leadership - is a service to his wife that she needs him to perform. Every marriage needs leadership, and being the leader of a marriage is good for a man, but bad for a woman. The wife needs her husband to lead in order to be happy, fulfilled, protected, and in proper relationship with her husband. That's the way God designed it.

So let's do away with this silly nonsense of leading by serving. Leadership means setting goals and then pursuing those goals and giving instructions to those under that authority, even if those under that leadership do not like or agree with them. Ideally, that leadership will be kind and gentle rather than harsh. Ideally, the wife will agree with the goals of her husband. But the goals are set by the leader. Whoever is setting the goals is the leader.

We need men to step up and lead - really lead - in their homes and families. To do that, we have to stop telling them they lead by doing what their wife wants or what she is comfortable with. Instead, we need to be telling them that leading is serving their wives. She needs him to actually lead, and so do our families, our churches, and our society.

We also need wives to purposely choose to follow their husbands. They need to encourage their men in their leadership roles and submit to his authority. They need to stop pushing for their way. They need to respect their husbands. This makes everyone happier in the long run and builds the marriage rather than tearing it down.

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Discipline Helps Children Feel Loved

We were watching Little House on the Prairie last night with the kids, and it was in the last season where the Olesons have a little girl named Nancy. Nancy is a spoiled little brat who throws a fit whenever she doesn't get her way. She wants attention all the time, and she gets it. But she's always saying how everyone hates her, even her parents, if they deny her the slightest thing she wants. She eventually runs away when her older sister, Nellie, comes back to town and takes up all the attention for awhile. She really believes no one loves her despite all the attention and gifts showered on her on a regular basis.

It occurred to me that this is very accurate. Nancy was suffering a huge lack of discipline. She wasn't being trained to behave herself and think of others. She was allowed to do whatever she wanted all the time, without consequence. This made her feel very unloved. 

It might seem counter-intuitive to a lot of parents today, but children who are spoiled do not feel loved and are not happy. Some parents try to make their children feel happy by showering them with gifts and letting them do whatever they want, but this does not work. Oh, they will feel happy momentarily when they get presents or get away with bad behavior, but they become more and more unhappy over time. 

Now, does a child know they need discipline? Of course not. They're children. They're immature. They don't like discipline as it is very unpleasant at the time. But God has designed children to feel safe and happy and loved when they are disciplined. They won't feel love if they don't get discipline. They need to know there are limits on their behavior. They need to be taught. If they don't get discipline, they can't feel love properly. And the reason they won't feel loved is because they aren't being loved properly. Parents who love their children discipline them. The Bible even tells us that.

Proverbs 13:24 He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently. 

Proverbs 3:11-12 My son, do not reject the discipline of the Lord Or loathe His reproof, For whom the LORD loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights. 

Love doesn't just mean having happy thoughts about someone. It means doing what is truly good for them. It is good and necessary for children to be disciplined. They have to be taught to behave. They need consequences when they do wrong. They have to be taught that their own desires are not the standard and how to deny themselves for the sake of others. This will make them happy. Indulgence will not.

If you love your children, you will discipline them. It's not the easy road, but it is far better for everyone in the long run when children are trained to act properly and think of people besides themselves. Children also need training in how to control their emotions. A child who is constantly at the mercy of their emotions is an unhappy child. Parents have to give their children the tools of self-control and a moral compass by disciplining them. This is what love does. It provides for the spiritual and mental needs of the child. They can't feel your love if you don't.

Functional Orphans: How Lack of Discipline Hurts Children

I was in the church nursery the other day and I noticed again how interactions with my own children are different from interactions with other people's children. My children are my responsibility. Thus, when my children misbehave, I correct and discipline them. But when I am watching someone else's child, there's not a lot I can do to correct their misbehavior. I can gently encourage them not to hit, bite, or push other children and tell them it's not nice and then try to redirect them, but it's not my place to discipline them or explain to them why they should be kind to others. That is the job of their own parents.

So why am I telling you this? It occurred to me that this soft, hands-off approach we use for dealing with unruly children in the nursery is no longer reserved for temporary caretakers in our society. Many are pushing parents to treat their own children in this way - never punishing or correcting them, but only gently encouraging them to behave and redirecting them to other activities. This isn't fringe either. It's pretty mainstream advice.

It's no surprise, given this approach, that so many children these days are badly behaved, anxious, and lack self-control. But it's not just poor parenting to allow children to disobey and hurt others and throw fits and so on without disciplining them. It's treating the children as if they were someone else's children. It's a failure to parent at all.

The Bible has something to say about this topic as well.

Hebrews 12:6-8 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.

So, the Bible tells us that parents who don't discipline their children are treating them as if they were not their children. Discipline is one of the main responsibilities of parents. Undisciplined children are functional orphans. They have no parents. They have someone who meets basic physical needs and manages them so they don't get seriously injured, much like a daycare worker might, but they aren't getting the training they desperately need. They aren't being disciplined.

Why doesn't anybody notice this? A large part of the reason is that our society has a hollow and abbreviated understanding of the role of parents. Everything is supposed to be delegated to a professional these days. Education? That's what school teachers are for. Spiritual training? Take them to church to be taught. Sports? Find a good coach.

The one thing most people still agree that parents are supposed to do for their children is foot the bill for all their collection of experiences. But if your view of parenting is that it’s a mostly managerial position involving paying for a host of experts to provide your child with the proper inputs and making sure they appear at the proper places at the proper times, that’s a poor substitute for actual parenting. (It also makes sense of the weird trend to ask parents of large families how they intend to pay for all their children’s luxuries like a college education. I guess if the main role of parents is to pay for everything, you better not have too many kids or else it gets expensive and you might not be able to afford the best experts.)

Along with this view of parenting, you get the rise of the term “quality time.” Rather than spend quantity time with their children (which is how almost all parents did it in the past), parents today are encouraged to spend quality time. This is usually interpreted as having special, memorable experiences together on the rare occasions you are together, often involving the spending of lots of money (are you seeing a trend here?). Parents don’t have the opportunity to spend quantity time with their kids because they’re too busy making money to pay for all the quality time. In those special times when parents are actually present with their children and actively engaged, they are trying so hard to have pleasant “quality time” that they don’t want to ruin the moment with such unpleasant matters as discipline. They don’t want to be the bad guy when they finally interact with their kids. So I don’t think it’s a mere coincidence that the rise of laissez-faire parenting coincides with the rise of absent and distracted parents.

Of course, not all households with two busy, working parents fail to discipline their children. And even some otherwise involved parents have fallen for the “gentle parenting” nonsense that says they should never punish their children. These are societal trends, not descriptions of any particular homes. But there is a lot of overlap.

The sad thing about these trends is that many children today are suffering a tremendous lack of parenting. They are growing up as functional orphans. There is no substitute for careful, involved, loving parents who discipline their children and teach them. This necessarily requires quantity time, not just quality time. You can’t raise children by long distance or by a collection of babysitters, teachers, coaches, and other professionals (or grandparents). You have to be there. And you have to discipline your children. They need it desperately.

Submission on Matters of Conscience

"My husband wants me to do something, but I have a conviction against it." This is one of the most misunderstood issues in conservative Christian circles.

Most conservative Christian women will agree that women are to submit to their husbands and that God has given the husband the position of leader of the home. However, we often don't realize the extent to which feminism and individualism have infected our thinking and we often fail to renew our minds with the scriptures. The issue of conscience is one of the most problematic areas where I see a lot of otherwise obedient wives justify their rebellion because of their personal convictions.

The Bible teaches women to submit to their husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:24). This is a very inclusive statement. It does not say to obey except where we have very serious disagreement. It does not say to obey only if we don't have any personal convictions against it. It says we are to submit in everything. Every. Thing. 

We know that God's authority is higher than our husband's. Thus, husbands do not have authority to overrule God. If God has commanded something in scripture, we must obey God over our husbands in such cases. So, for example, God's word tells us that we are not to murder. If a husband were to command his wife to murder, such as getting an abortion, then she should not obey that command. She must obey God over her husband where they directly contradict. But our conscience is not God. Our personal convictions are not commands from God. We cannot elevate our convictions over God's clear command to obey our husbands.

There is a very relevant passage for this issue in Numbers 30. Yes, this is the Old Testament, but the principle still applies because this is God commanding women on how they are to handle sacred vows to God. While a woman is under the authority of her husband or her father, and she makes a sacred vow to God on some subject, she is obligated to perform what she vowed unless her husband or father forbid her. Keep in mind that these sacred vows are generally considered very binding. They are usually made in response to some conviction. Yet if her husband (or father, if she is unmarried) disallows her, she is freed from her vow and not bound to fulfill it. If her husband forbids her to fulfill her vow when he first hears of it, then she is freed from the vow and there is no sin for not fulfilling it. If her husband allows it at first and later disallows it, she is still to obey her husband, but the sin for not fulfilling the vow will fall on her husband for forbidding her. Read the whole chapter for yourself. It's very clear. Either way, her responsibility from God is to obey her husband. This is very clear teaching on how far a husband's authority extends. The husband's authority trumps the wife's conscience and even her sacred vow made to God because God has given this authority to the husband.

So where does this leave modern women? Too often, our society and even Christian culture tells us that what we feel very strongly is supremely important. In Christian circles, we speak of personal convictions very soberly, and this is warranted. All other things being equal, we are not to violate our conscience. Yet when a husband commands his wife, all other things are not equal. It sounds very pious to say that we have a personal conviction and thus cannot obey our husbands. Yet this is not what the Bible teaches us about such matters. The authority of the husband extends over our personal convictions.

There is a very good reason for this hierarchy of authority. If the wife can feel a strong personal conviction and act counter to her husbands authority because of it, this would essentially eliminate the husband's authority on most matters. All a wife needs to do is genuinely believe that her own plan is morally superior in some way to her husband's plan, and magically she has a conviction about it and doesn't have to obey her husband. This leads, not only to women disobeying their husbands on all manner of issues, but believing themselves to be more pious than their husband and looking down on him. He is asking her to violate her conscience, so in her eyes, he's asking her to sin. She's the good one who would never dream of doing such a thing while he's the bad guy. This false piety kills marriages, tears apart families, and gives women a rationalization for their disobedience while feeling superior for it.

I have seen this problem appear on many issues, and in many cases, the preference of the wife is an otherwise good thing. Maybe she wants to wear dresses all the time to be modest or wants to give more money to the church. Perhaps she believes they should homeschool their children. She might want to reduce sugar in their diet or have a family prayer time every morning. These things are perfectly good choices, and ones I would often recommend. But when a wife uses her belief that these things are good to overrule her husband and ignore his God-given authority to lead his household under the excuse that she has a conviction, then she is being disobedient and destroying her home. No longer is she submitting. Instead, she is ruling the house with her own preferences and views.

Instead of giving women the ability to set aside the husband's authority whenever she has a strong feeling that something is right or wrong, the Bible commands her to submit to her husband. Only where God has specifically commanded in scripture is she bound to obey God over her husband. That way, it's not up to her internal feelings or moral leanings, which might be misguided. Her conscience is not the leader of the home. Her husband is. This is God's very good design for the family and we cannot improve upon it.

My (Rather Controversial) Advice for New Brides

There's lots of advice out there for newlyweds, some of which is helpful and some of which is not. A lot of it gets repeated many times. "Don't go to bed angry." "Happy wife, happy life." We've all heard these and others. I won't repeat the classic snippets of advice everyone tells new married couples, mostly because they're not always super helpful, but also because I don't need to. Yet there is some advice most people won't tell you because it's not politically correct and doesn't always produce warm fuzzies.

I give this advice specifically to women. There is advice that applies equally to both husbands and wives, and some of that is very good and necessary. For example, I recommend that both husbands and wives get in the habit of selflessly serving one another, even in the little things, and without keeping score. That applies equally both ways. But a lot of the best advice for the newly married is specific to their sex. Men and women are different. They have different strengths, different temptations, and different roles. Since I'm a woman, I speak to women. I will leave it to the men to advise their own.

So here is what I would recommend specifically to young brides. It applies to all married women, but a new marriage is a chance to start fresh and build a strong relationship from the ground up, and having a good foundation is vital. These are things that you can do to avoid some of the most common pitfalls that cause strife and unhappiness in a marriage.

Let him lead you.

Follow his lead, ladies. You will be happier. He will be happier. Everyone will be happier when you live according to the marriage roles God designed for us. Don't push for control. Step back and let your husband lead. This is a lot easier to learn if you practice it from the very beginning, when you're still in the honeymoon phase. Defer to his judgment. Don't manipulate. Just let him be the boss and look up to him. Make him your hero and follow his lead. It works out better all around.

Don't hold him hostage to your emotions.

We women tend to be emotional, but our emotions should not control us. We shouldn't make people walk on eggshells, afraid to make us upset if they tell us what we don't want to hear or do something we don't like. That is especially true when it comes to our husbands. Because they love us so much, it is easy for our husbands to avoid anything that upsets us, even if it's something that needs to be done. And it's easy to let our emotions become a tool to manipulate him into doing what we want. Don't let yourself do this. Control your emotions and don't try to punish him with your displeasure if he chooses a course of action you don't agree with. That means no sulking, no pouting, no silent treatment, no outbursts of anger, and no crying fits. Your emotions should not rule the home. It's an easy habit to get into, so make it a priority not to let it develop.

Don't argue with him. 

It takes two to argue. The cycle can stop with you. Simply don't argue with him. Arguing is the least productive way to handle a disagreement. You're going to have disagreements at some point or another in your marriage, but they don't have to be handled disagreeably. Discuss the matter calmly and without pushing for your way. Bite your tongue if you can't be kind and considerate. Make a decision together, if at all possible, but if you can't come to an agreement, let him make the final decision and support him in it. There's no reason you need to argue. Arguments are not a necessary part of marriage. I've been married almost 10 years now, and my husband and I have never had an argument. We have more productive ways of settling disagreements.

Stand by your man.

In a difficult world, you ought to be able to count on your spouse, of all people, to have your back. Be there for your husband. Be his biggest fan. Take his side against the world. Don't let in-laws or friends or kids or anyone else come between you. You're on the same team. Act like it. Every problem you face is the two of you together, working on a solution, not one of you against the other. Make that a habit from the start. Don't complain about him or air his faults to anyone (including, and especially, your mother). Don't do things behind his back. Don't compare him negatively to other men. He's your husband, and you need to be on his side.

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This is by no means a comprehensive guide to a perfect marriage, but these are issues that I have seen handled poorly in many marriages, so I offer a better way. Marriage can be a wonderful oasis in a broken world where we build one another up and provide a safe haven for each other. But bad habits can destroy a relationship if we let them get established. Building a good marriage takes effort and intentionality. It doesn't happen automatically. Nobody ever drifted together. If they drift, they drift apart. So taking the time to identify good marriage habits and purposely develop them is worthwhile. May God bless your marriage.

Marry Sooner Rather Than Later

Here is my counter-cultural advice to young singles: Marry sooner rather than later. This is Biblical advice because the Bible specifically tells young people to marry rather than continue to burn (I Cor. 7:9). Most young adults have a sex drive, and this is evidence that they should be moving toward marriage. To delay marriage without cause is foolish at best, and sinful at worst. This principle of moving toward marriage rather than burning with sexual desire was given to prevent sexual sin. It is no surprise that in a society that avoids and delays marriage, sexual sin is rampant. We Christians should not be following the ways of the world that lead to sin and destruction, but rather prioritizing God's ways and wisdom. This principle of moving toward marriage intentionally works out a little differently depending on where you are in relationships. Here are some practical tips to help you move toward marriage in your situation. If you are engaged or very close to engagement because you know who you want to marry, plan a simple, inexpensive wedding in the near future. My general recommendation is that engagements should be 6 months or less. It doesn't take very long to plan a simple wedding. The longer you drag the engagement on, the greater the chances that you will fall into sexual sin. The Bible tells us that it is foolish for a man to work to gain the whole world and yet lose his soul. Similarly, it is foolish to choose a long engagement if that means disobeying God by having sex outside marriage. If you arrive on your big day having stained your souls with fornication, you have lost that which was more important. We should not purposely put ourselves in the position of needing super-human strength to stay sexually pure. Move up the wedding date and avoid the temptation. Prioritize obeying God and don't leave room for sin to creep in. A cheaper wedding is also important. Reducing costs is a good thing anyway as it is wasteful to spend large amounts of money on a wedding rather than investing in the marriage. But it's important to be frugal in order to start your marriage off right. Studies have shown that the greater the amount of money spent on the wedding, the shorter the marriage tends to last. Elaborate and expensive weddings tend to lead to divorce. Invest in your marriage. A wedding is just one day and soon over. You want the marriage to last, so prioritize it over the wedding. That might mean giving up some of your dreams for a fancy, picture-perfect wedding, but that is a worthwhile trade to make. If you are in a relationship, be intentional about marriage as your goal. Dating is often a very fun time of getting know someone, and there's nothing wrong with having fun. But fun can't be your purpose for the relationship. A dating relationship needs a goal, and that goal is to determine whether two people should marry. Marriage should be the underlying question in every dating relationship. Are you compatible on your beliefs, your goals, and your values? Do you work well as a team? Do you resolve conflicts well together? Are you willing to fulfill the duties of marriage together if you marry (including leadership/submission, frequent sex, raising children, faithfulness, communication, and selflessness)? These are the kinds of questions you should be answering about each other and your relationship as you go along. When you pursue the relationship with intentionality, this does three important things for you. First of all, it greatly increases the chances that your relationship will be successful. A successful dating relationship does not necessarily mean you will marry. You might successfully determine that you are not suitable for one another and end the relationship. That is a perfectly valid outcome of a dating relationship and not a failure. If you knew you wanted to marry, you could just skip to engagement. The relationship before engagement is precisely to determine whether you should marry. If you decide not to marry, that gives you information you did not previously have and fulfills the purpose of the relationship. If you decide to marry, then you have also fulfilled the purpose of the relationship by finding that you are ready to move toward marriage with one another. But notice what does not fulfill the purpose of the relationship - aimless fun without assessing one another for marriage. They say if you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time. That is nowhere more true than in a dating relationship. If you have no purpose for your relationship, you will never know if you have been successful or not. And in the meantime, you waste one another's time without moving toward marriage and set yourselves up for temptation without cause. Too many young people find themselves having dated one another for years and yet still don't know whether they should marry. That's insane. The second thing intentionality does for you is that it speeds up the process of finding a spouse. Aimless dating is one of the biggest reasons for delayed marriage in our culture today. Many young people are not serious about looking for marriage, but they play at romantic relationships for years and sometimes decades. They often don't marry until their 30's or 40's, if at all. Marriage prospects grow more and more dim as one gets older and fertility declines as one gets older as well. It is easier to find a good spouse in your 20's, so don't waste this decade. The third benefit of being intentional is that you are more likely to avoid sexual sin. The people waiting until their 30's to marry aren't usually remaining chaste in the meantime. Our sex drives were given to us to move us toward marriage as marriage is the proper outlet for sexual expression. But if we delay marriage, we have all that drive and no proper outlet for it. This leads to great temptation and, for many, sexual sin. We weren't meant to spend decades single and sexless. If that is our lot through no fault of our own, then God can certainly give us strength to be obedient in this area and remain chaste. But it's best to avoid prolonging the temptation. That is why we are told to marry rather than burn. Avoid wasting your time with a relationship that has no purpose as it will not move you toward marriage and this will lengthen the amount of time you will need to say no to sex and increase the chances that you will give in to temptation. If you are not in a relationship, be intentional about looking for a relationship headed toward marriage. In our culture today, it is easy to drift along, thinking marriage will happen one day, but not in any big hurry to find a spouse. This drifting often goes on for years before the person decides to intentionally pursue a serious relationship headed toward marriage. It is not too uncommon for them to find, to their chagrin, that marriage doesn't appear automatically and that their prospects are few when they finally do start getting serious about marriage. What is especially odd about this lackadaisical attitude toward marriage is that it is usually accompanied by a belief that a good marriage partner is really hard to find. When you think about it, that makes no sense. If we really believe a good spouse is hard to find, it seems like we would want to start early and put a lot of effort into it. We might need to be realistic about our preferences and be ready to settle down with the first person who looks like a decent match and is willing to have us. We might even need to go out of our way to visit places where singles congregate, brush up on our social skills, build up a solid marriage resume, and speak positively about our intentions to marry so as to attract the few decent potential mates out there and get a leg up on the competition. Yet this is exactly the opposite of what most people today are doing. Most young adults think of marriage as something to worry about several years down the road, and then only when they find the perfect person who meets their every preference. Delaying marriage and not pursuing it with any great effort only make sense if we believe awesome marriage partners can be had under every bush and around every corner. If there are great numbers of acceptable matches around us and we could marry any time we please because opportunities are so numerous, then it might make sense to put off the search for awhile and be really picky about choosing the best among the numerous good choices. But that is not the world we live in. The reality is that people of good character who wish to marry are fairly few in our culture, and most of us have quite limited options even among them. That is why we can't afford to leave marriage to chance. It can take years to find a good spouse, even if you are actively looking. Not every relationship turns into marriage. Sometimes you have to date several people before you find someone who makes a good match. So don't put off the search. If you find a spouse right away, that's great. Start building a life together. But if it takes awhile, you'll be glad you didn't wait to get started. So, if you want to build a good relationship that is headed toward marriage, how do you prepare for that? How do you find someone to start a relationship with? And how do you attract them? These are all worthwhile questions to answer. This article is already long enough, so I'll talk about that in a future article. ------- Of course, marriage is not the only purpose of our lives. We can still have purpose and meaning in our lives without marriage. But marriage is a good gift from God that forms a means of normal grace for most people. Marriage is a way to fill our loneliness, satisfy our sexual desires, and build the next generation. Marriage gives us a partner who is there for us through the good times and the bad - someone to witness our lives and for whom we can make a difference. Marriage and child-rearing is a means of taking dominion and bringing the world into submission to Christ. It takes our impact for God down through the generations and multiplies it. Marriage is a means of sanctification. It pulls us out of ourselves and teaches us selflessness, patience, gratitude, and generosity. Marriage is a good thing worth desiring and pursuing. It is God's calling for most of us.
Because marriage is so valuable and because most of us are called to marriage, we should be sensible about pursuing marriage. Other things we value we pursue with focus and determination. The effort most put into building a career, for example, is often lauded as noble and praiseworthy. A good job isn't going to land in your lap. You have to go out and build your skills, search for openings, advertise your strong points, and make the choice of which position to accept very carefully. Yet marriage is much more important than a job and more difficult to find. It is worth expending the effort to pursue it intentionally.

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD." Proverbs 18:22 "An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels." Proverbs 31:10 "Marriage is to be held in honor among all." Hebrews 13:4a

Having Children in an Evil World

I hear every now and then some young, idealistic, Christian woman saying she never wants children because the world is too evil. I think this is a very misguided notion for several reasons.

For one thing, having children and raising them to know the Lord and make a difference in their world is one of the best ways to make the world a better place. Children are an investment in the future. You can complain about how bad things are or you can do something about it. One of the most effective things you can do to change your world for the better is raise great kids who grow up to contribute to society, help the needy, demolish bad arguments against God and Christianity, bring others to Christ, and raise more children to do the same.

It's also a rather short-sighted view to think our era is so much worse than all of history. While our society is certainly in decline, we still have far more freedom, wealth, health, and knowledge of God than most of the people who have ever lived. 

Countless generations before us managed to bear and raise children in a truly terrible world. Many feared that their children would die of disease or wondered whether they would be able to feed them tomorrow. Surviving to adulthood was an accomplishment. Mothers have borne and tended children in slavery, in the midst of war, as victims of rape, as refugees in a land not their own, through famine and plague, hard-labor and many tears, and they did so despite their suffering because their children were a hope for a better tomorrow. Even those who had a relatively good life with no wars or plagues or slavery had it tough. Everyone worked hard, including the children. Many had little time for education. If they could raise children in such times, who are we to complain or lose hope when we live in far more wealth and luxury than the kings of their time? 

Not only do we have material wealth the people of the past never would have dreamed of, we also know that the King of Kings has come and given us new life. We have a promise from God Himself that if we have faith in Christ, heaven will be our home. We have the spirit of God living inside us to help us avoid sin and make wise choices and we can share our faith with others so that they have the same hope. 

Every child in a Christian home is a tangible hope that life will go on, more people will be taught about God, and more people will be in heaven. That's far more important than an idealized and impractical notion that children should only be born into the most perfect of situations. If our ancestors had taken that view, none of us would be here.

If You Want Children, Make Wise Choices

The common feminist advice given to women to live in the moment, travel the world, go drinking, hook up, and have fun in your 20's and even 30's and then settle down and be a mom when you've had your fill is absolutely terrible advice for many reasons.

1) A woman's fertility is not guaranteed. Waiting until the 30's or 40's to have children all too often means not being able to have them at all. Not naturally, anyway, and often reproductive technologies can't even help. Fertility, unlike travel or luxuries, won't wait. Use it while you have it.

2) Having children doesn't prevent women from having fun, as so many assume. Yes, children tie you down to some degree, but they're not little ball and chains. Your life isn't over when you have kids. In fact, having children helps us realize what really matters about life and have a far richer and more fulfilling experience than any party lifestyle will ever provide.

3) Being irresponsible, drinking, partying, and hooking up are terrible choices regardless of what age you are or whether or not you have kids. They're bad moral choices and also harmful in many other ways.

4) Being a party animal doesn't prepare a woman for being a wife and mother. Quite the opposite. It teaches her to live for her instant gratification and not consider others or the future. It teaches her to resent children as little burdens that stop her from doing what she wants to do. It teaches her to care only about herself. In short, it turns her inward rather than outward and fuels her natural selfishness, which is exactly the opposite of what is needed in a good mother.

5) Partying, drinking, and hooking up make a woman a bad wife, and bad wives are also, by definition, bad mothers. The kinds of habits that cause a woman to be a good wife, to knit her heart with her husband's, and to put others before herself also help to ensure that her children will grow up in the stable, married home they need. Premarital sex undermines marital stability. A habit of selfish indulgence doesn't magically end when the wedding is over. The habits we make follow us for a lifetime.

6) Selfish, irresponsible behaviors like drinking heavily and premarital sex cause disease and reduce a woman's chances of having healthy children. Alcohol kills brain and liver cells. Some STDs can be transmitted to a child, cause cancers of the reproductive organs, or cause sterility. Fertility isn't assured for any woman as she ages, but it's even less sure if she is engaging in behaviors that put her and her reproductive health at risk.

7) Smart, loyal men who want to settle down and have a family don't pick partying women for that role, and for good reason. The 30-something living weekend to weekend just to party or hooking up with a string of different men is not good wife material. So when she finally decides, in her mid-30's, after being all used up, that she wants a husband and children, she is very likely to find she has zero prospects. Men aren't going to marry her now. They're not stupid.

The bottom line is that women who want a husband and children need to plan in their teens and early-20's to pursue behaviors that help further that goal and prepare them to find a good man and make use of their fertile years. They need to be cultivating the kind of character that makes good wives and mothers. They need to be making wise and healthy choices. Those who do the opposite and think they can party like there's no tomorrow will likely find that their family goals never come true, and all because they made poor choices. For good or for ill, we reap what we sow.

Going Back to a First Spouse After Remarriage: What Scripture Actually Says About It

I have seen a growing trend among certain groups of Christians to claim that those who are divorced and remarried are living in perpetual adultery and should divorce their second spouse and return to the first spouse. This is a very dangerous and unbiblical teaching.

It's somewhat understandable that people might believe this. We live in a time and place where divorce and remarriage are frequent and even the church has largely accepted it. In reaction against the common view that marriage is easily cast aside for any and every reason, some have tried very hard to go to the opposite extreme and consider marriage completely indissoluble. Yet rather than react, we must search the scriptures to find the right view.

Here are some Bible passages that show that second marriages are legitimate marriages and that divorce from a second spouse or a return to a first spouse is not permitted.

Deuteronomy 24:1-4 "When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife. And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the LORD thy God giveth thee for an inheritance."

Notice that the woman's second marriage here is obviously considered a valid marriage and the scripture specifically says that she must not go back and marry her first husband again. Her second marriage was an act of adultery (according to Jesus), but it also broke the tie between her and her first husband such that it would be a sin if she ever went back to the first husband - even if her second husband were to die. That's very powerful proof that remarriage does produce a valid marriage.

Jeremiah 3:1 says much the same thing: "They say, If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD."

Again, a second marriage makes it impossible to ever go back to the first spouse. This is clearly spelled out in scripture.

So while Scripture does intend for divorced people to reconcile with their spouse (I Cor. 7:11), that is only the case if they have not married anyone else. If a second marriage has occurred, going back to the first marriage would be a sin.

I Cor. 7:12-13 "But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him."

Notice that, in this passage, even things which would normally be a sin to do (i.e. marry an unbeliever), once they are done, should not cause a divorce. One is supposed to carry on and not divorce, but live right from this time onward.

Some point out Jesus' statement that remarriage after divorce is adultery, and that is certainly true. It is a sin to remarry after divorce. However, the question is, if someone does remarry, whether the new marriage commits adultery as a one time thing or whether the new marriage is adulterous every day for the rest of their lives, which requires a second divorce in order to stop sinning. Jesus' statement, by itself, doesn't say which it is.

Some people assume, without proof, that the second possibility is the case without considering anything else. What we should do is use scripture to clarify that uncertainty rather than make assumptions. When we do that (as I did above), we see that the Bible teaches that a second marriage breaks the ties of the first marriage and forms a valid marriage, not continuous adultery, and thus that the first interpretation of Jesus' statement is the correct one. Remarriage is a one-time act of adultery, not on-going adultery, and the correct course of action is to remain faithful to the new marriage vows.

Another thing to consider, in addition to the Biblical case I already made, is God's purpose for marriage. God intends for marriage to be a stable, loving environment for the raising of children and also a picture of the love between Christ and the church. The idea that a person must divorce a second spouse is not only opposed to clear Scripture passages, but it runs counter to the plan God has for marriage. If a person has remarried, and especially if they have children in that new marriage, divorce only causes further harm to the people in the second marriage and any children they have. It is this damage that God hates. In fact, this kind of damage is the reason divorce is so harmful in the first place. Advocating further divorce to go back to a first spouse is telling people to cause more harm that God hates.

What it comes down to is that Scripture is clear that a second marriage breaks the tie of the first and the Bible never advocates more divorce. God hates divorce. He never tells anyone to divorce. What should happen when a divorced person comes to repentance is that they carry on, in whatever marital state they are in, and do their best to live for God going forward. If they can be reconciled to their first spouse, they should do so, but if they have married again, they should stay in that marriage and be faithful.

The Purpose of Children

The number one reason Christian couples do not want children (or want very few children) is because they do not understand the purpose of children according to the Bible.

Our culture tells us children are for self-actualization. They're what you have when you're settled, financially secure, and need something to care for in order to give you purpose and also increase your social status or to make you feel good about yourself. But if children are for self-actualization, then you wouldn't want to have one when it might be difficult or get in the way of other types of self-actualization like having money for vacations or a big house or having freedom to travel or having time to yourself now and then. You certainly wouldn't need very many of them. A single child or maybe two is plenty and having more than that would result in diminishing returns or even negative returns as the workload and expense from multiple children mounts and people start to look at you funny due to your excessive procreation.

Because of this view of children, they are often seen as burdens when they cause us stress or expense or limit our freedom, but also as commodities to be obtained when we want one. People obtain children by surrogacy or sperm donation or IVF because they feel entitled to have one as part of their pursuit of self-actualization. Their life feels incomplete without a child, so they deserve to have one by any means necessary. So even when children are wanted, it is often for selfish reasons of the parents, not because they understand the purpose of children. And when children show up when they aren't wanted, they are seen as invaders or parasites and discarded through abortion or neglected. It's all part of the same false view of children as a means to the end of parental happiness.

Even in Christian circles, we repeat the mantra that children are a blessing, but we don't always understand what that means. We adopt the culture's attitude, but Christianize it. So we're still thinking that children being a blessing means a blessing to us. When you've got a crying baby at 2:00am or you're sitting in the emergency room with your child after they took a flying leap and broke a bone or you're dealing with a difficult teenager or you're doing your 4th load of laundry for the day and your toddler wets their pants yet again, there are a lot of things on your mind, but "This is such a blessing" is probably not one of them. Children are a lot of work and a lot of expense and even a lot of heartache at times.

So what does the Bible mean when it says children are a blessing? Yes, they are certainly a blessing to their parents in many ways, but it's much more than that. Children are meant to be a blessing to the whole world. Even from an earthly perspective, a child is a future worker, innovator, consumer, and contributor to society in many ways. We need children to keep the economy and our culture thriving and to pass it on to the next generation. Having a child is an investment in the future, not just for ourselves, but for the world. More importantly, a child raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord is a light in a dark world, to lead others to Jesus and influence their culture for Christ. A child is a legacy to pass down a heritage of serving Christ to future generations. And perhaps most importantly, a child is an immortal soul who will live forever and is meant to praise and worship God and bring glory to our Creator. 

The purpose for children is not self-actualization of their parents. Children don't exist to make their parents feel good about themselves (which is good, because they don't always do that). Children exist to know and serve God and to be used by Him to change the world, or at least their corner of it. Having children and raising them, for a Christian, is a way of helping to bring the world into subjection to Christ and bringing more people to heaven. It's not about the parents and what makes them happy. It's about fulfilling God's plan. 

Every Christian, whether they know it or not, is on a mission to serve God. Having children is an important way of doing that because they're a way to multiply the impact and take that impact down through the years. Even for those who can't have biological children of their own, children are still important and we are all called to foster the growth of the children around us in whatever ways we can. If you can have children, have them because they're part of your mission for God to impact the world around you for many years to come. If you can't, encourage those around you who are having children and help children who need your influence in order to know and love God.

Children are worth the pain and the work and the expense many times over, but not because they make the lives of their parents so wonderful. Sometimes they do, and that's great. But let's not overlook the bigger picture. It's not about the parents. It's about implementing God's plan here on earth and populating heaven with more people to glorify God.

The Most Important Mission Field

There is a mission field that is more important than any other and it is often neglected in Christianity today. If you thought I was going to tell you all about a distant land in need of missionaries or remind us to tell our friends, neighbors, and coworkers about the gospel, you might be a little surprised. Our children are our first mission field. Those of us who have children have a number one mission from God to train and disciple our children in the ways of the Lord. We should prioritize them over every other mission field. Both men and women alike should focus on family first because our children are specifically given to us by God for training in the Christian faith. If we lose them, we have not only failed to win them as converts, but have been poor stewards of the souls God gave into our charge.

The Bible speaks of those who gain the whole world and lose their own soul. Their priorities were wrong and they lost that which was most valuable. Something similar is true of those who gain converts out there in the world but lose their own children.

This need to teach and train our own children first is evidenced in many places in scripture. In the OT, God's people were instructed to train their children at home, when they went out, and everywhere they go and in everything they do (Deut. 6). This requires not only a lot of time and effort, but it means parents have to be with their children in order to train them in the things of God. This has always been God's model for how children are to be raised by those who follow Him.

The New Testament includes the parable of the unfaithful steward (Luke 12) who did not properly care for the things entrusted to him and also speaks in the parable of the talents (Matt. 25) about the servant who did not invest what was given to him, but hid it and did nothing to bring an increase for his master. In these and other cases, the clear teaching of the Bible is that we are most responsible for those things which have been specifically entrusted to us. Of all the precious things entrusted to our care, the greatest is our children, who are specifically said in scripture to be gifts from God. If we fail in that stewardship, other gains we may have will pale in comparison. Yes, we should save the lost out there, but only after we save the ones God gave to us to train.

The need to train one's own children is also implicitly assumed in the qualifications for church leaders, who must be men with a reputation and record of not only remaining married and being self-controlled, but raising their children correctly so that they remain in the faith and are obedient to it (I Tim. 3). How can a man lead the church if he cannot lead his own wife and children properly? The clear indication is that he can't, which tells us not only that this is important, but of primary importance. The church leader must prioritize his own family so that they are properly led, before he can lead the church. And if even the church leader must prioritize his own family over the other work of the church, how much more the ordinary church member. We are all called to make our children our first mission field, with every other mission field secondary.

On top of that, women are specifically called to make their home and family their primary mission, even more so than men. Men must ensure that their children are in submission to their authority and being trained properly, but their wives are the ones who put most of the actual time and effort involved in this mission, because women are the ones called to be in the home caring for the children.

One of the major problems we have today is that too few have their family properly prioritized and they spend their time and effort everywhere but on their family. What we need is more Christian people who are teaching and training their children and building their marriages so that they can make a difference from a place of strength - a strong family that works together for God - and also be good stewards of what God has given them. This is not just about saving individual souls, though that is important, but about the intended purpose of the family to create, equip, and send out new soldiers to change the world for God. We can literally multiply our efforts to make a difference for Christ through properly trained children who continue the mission beyond us, in generations to come.

Men Should be Providers and Women Should be at Home

Given the needs of children for a full-time caregiver who knows and loves them, it is important for one of the parents to stay home and provide that care. That's a controversial idea in our culture today, though it shouldn't be. However, many people who accept the idea of a parent staying home with the children claim that it doesn't matter which parent stays home. It could just as well be the father as the mother, couldn't it? But no, that doesn't work nearly as well.

There's a reason that societies have historically had separate and distinct roles for the man and woman such that the father works to provide for the family while the mother stays at home with the children and cares for the home. Even in our modern society, it makes a lot more sense for the man to be the main breadwinner and the woman to stay home. Here's why.

1) Every family needs someone to build a steady career, and it's a lot harder for a woman to do that when she keeps taking time off to have babies. It's even more of a problem for her career if she breastfeeds and provides the nurturing that a baby needs specifically from the mother for at least the first year. The man is in a position to build a career more effectively than a woman simply because of biology.

2) Men are tasked with the role of provision. It is the man's responsibility to ensure that his family has the needed resources to survive - food, shelter, money for necessities, etc - in ways that don't apply to the woman. Men are called to be providers.

3) Men are naturally designed to gravitate toward provision and to gain satisfaction from working to provide in ways women do not. On the flip side, women are designed to gravitate toward caring for children and keeping a home in ways that men are not. Women are more in tune with the needs of children and have a greater ability to multitask, which is needed when keeping a home and caring for children. Men are designed to focus strongly on a task and a vision, which is often advantageous for the kinds of work needed to build a career and provide for a family. Men generally have an outward focus toward the world while women are more naturally oriented toward the home. In addition, many jobs that are needed by society involve hard physical labor which men are well-suited for and women simply are not. The physical and mental aptitudes of men and women lend themselves better to a division of labor that involves the woman staying home while the man earns.

4) The relationship between husband and wife thrives far better when they have traditional gender roles that involve the husband as main provider and wife at home. Studies have shown that wives respect their husbands more and have more sex with him when the wives do the housework and the man does the providing. Men and women are not only physically designed for traditional roles, but mentally wired to appreciate the opposite roles in a spouse as well. Women have a far harder time respecting and being attracted to a husband who fulfills a womanly role like caring for children or housework instead of providing.

5) History tell us that men have produced the vast majority of civilizational advancements when motivated by the desire to provide for their families. Societies are safer, more productive, more innovative, and more stable when men apply their specific manly skills to the problems their society faces. The greater aggression, strength, and focus of men are a huge advantage when applied to the workforce, technology, protection of the weak, and many other areas that require men to leave the home and work. Women simply don't have the same skills or the same drive.

6) The Bible specifically tells men to provide and women to keep the home.

Titus 2:3-5 tells us "...that aged women likewise be reverent in demeanor, not slanderers nor enslaved to much wine, teachers of that which is good; that they may train the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sober-minded, chaste, workers at home, kind, being in subjection to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed..."

Meanwhile, men are told in 1 Timothy 5:8 "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." It is men who were told in Genesis that the sweat of their brow would be needed to provide food for their families.

There are many reasons, both Biblical and practical, that indicate that men are to be the main providers for the family while women are needed to tend the home and children. This isn't about being stifled or pressed into arbitrary roles, but rather a fulfillment of the inherent design of men and women and also a matter of providing best for the specific needs of children. Men, women, and children do better when these roles are preserved, the marriage is stronger, and society flourishes. 

What Women Should Do to Prepare for Marriage

The church and culture today do little to train or prepare women for marriage. In fact, they often teach or encourage bad habits that undermine preparation for marriage. Chief among the harmful philosophies women absorb is feminism, which tells them they don't need a man and don't have any specific womanly roles in a marriage to even prepare for.

In reality, there are a number of things women should be doing to prepare for marriage. Here are just some of them.

– Studying what their role would be in marriage and what their husband’s role would be and embracing this vision for marriage.

– Understanding the authority hierarchy of marriage and how important it is.

– Studying apologetics so they are prepared to teach their future children about the evidence for Christianity.

– Practicing proper submission to authority, self-control, wisdom, care for children, house keeping, and other godly traits for wives.

– Learning to build up a man through encouragement and support.

– Practicing good money habits so that they will be able to live within their husband’s income and frugally so as to lighten his burden of provision and ensure that she can be home with the children and not forced to work. This includes, at minimum, avoiding debt of all kinds and avoiding unnecessary spending on luxuries.

– Practicing teaching children and learning about their needs and how to care for them.

– Learning to control their tongues to avoid being bossy, argumentative, nagging, vulgar, or foolish with what they say.

– Developing a feminine attitude and demeanor that embraces their God-given and uniquely feminine traits and abilities.

– Practicing discretion and modesty in all things.

– Being chaste and having a proper understanding of Biblical sexuality, which includes sex being only within marriage but given freely within marriage, and also understanding what sex means to a man.

– Learning how to resolve conflict peaceably.

– Learning how to place others first.

– Keeping in shape and developing good eating habits and hygiene.

– Learning to cook healthy, nutritious, and delicious food and to do so frugally.

– Learning to clean and organize a house effectively and to keep it maintained in a state of order and cleanliness.

– Learning wisdom and proper priorities in life so that they are prepared to provide wise help to a husband and not blow issues out of proportion.

– Evaluating men on character traits and practicing being attracted to good character over looks or style. Also, realizing that there isn't just one soul mate out there who will show up at the proper time, but that there are only better or worse choices that she can make (and that she will have to live with).

– Getting what education they can without going into debt. This would ideally be in a field that will help with future training of their children (science, math, education, child development, etc) or that provides skills to help a husband or run a household (bookkeeping, home economics, gardening, canning, etc).

I’m sure there are others as well, but these are some of the major ways that women can prepare for marriage. There's a lot more to it than most women know. Not all of these need to be complete before marriage, of course. There's always more to learn. But working on these areas and having an awareness of the gravity of marriage and the skills required of them will make women better prepared to be good wives and mothers.