Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Why Sexual Refusal Hurts Marriages

Sexual refusal is a serious problem in many marriages. Even Christian marriages. In most cases, it's the wife doing the refusing. So here's my message to the ladies who are saying no to their husbands and denying him sex or those who are struggling with wondering why they are expected to have sex regularly with their husbands.

Ladies, if you're married, your husband probably doesn't have the gift of celibacy. And he got married, at least partially, in order to fulfill his God-given sex drive. That's one of the legitimate purposes of marriage.

Not only that, but when a man is single, while it's certainly difficult to abstain from sex, at least he doesn't have a beautiful woman sharing his living quarters and tempting him every day.

A married man has both the legitimate expectation of getting sex and a woman he loves and is attracted to right there in his home all the time. To expect him to abstain for long periods when the object of his desire is right there in his bed every night is to ask too much. It's like staring at a box of chocolates all day while on a diet. It's torture.

So how does a man deal with a wife who refuses him all the time? The same way we deal with the chocolates when we are trying to diet. We put them away, don't look at them, and try not to think about them.

This is why refusal hurts marriages. A man will withdraw from his wife if he is being constantly refused. And it will tear them apart. It's too hurtful for a man to engage with a wife, spend time with her, and build up all that desire from being around her only to be constantly frustrated. So he'll protect himself by avoiding her.

Don't do that to your marriages, ladies. Build that connection your marriage and your husband need by engaging in sex frequently. It's God's design that marriages need sex to stay strong. Sex isn't just a physical act. It's an act of connection and love. So when you don't feel like it, remember that sex isn't optional or irrelevant. It's important maintenance for your marriage.

Of course, it's even better if you learn to like it. Sex can be great fun. If it's not fun for you, then perhaps there are some things you can do to boost your libido or learn how to get pleasure from it. But even when you can't imagine sex being fun, don't forget how important it is.


  1. Agree entirely. Nothing shoots through a man's image of himself as a man faster than being consistently refused for sex. I can understand things happen sometimes but even if something happens, like the wife isn't feeling well, she should at least try to give a time when sex will be available instead of leaving the man hanging.

  2. What kind of man would want sex if his wife didn't want to? That's the last thing I'd want. It's also not part of the reason I married -- companionship and sharing were the main reasons.

    1. Sex is an important part of marriage and meeting one another's needs is an important responsibility in marriage. It's not selfish for a man to want marital intimacy with his wife. It's not only good for him, but good for her and good for the marriage.

  3. Yes, I hear you. But the conclusions you draw about men are really wrong, and make men look bad. it bothers me to see this type of male-bashing. Trust me, most guys marry because they've found someone they enjoy being with, not to have sex. And no man worth his salt wants sex with a woman who is just "doing it for him." We'd rather not do it at all, in such a case. It would be empty and unsatisfying.

    Perhaps you shouldn't speak for men, particularly in such a negative way. Scripture does require women to be discreet and modest. Are you sure that speaking for men like this is discreet and modest?

    1. I'm not speaking for men. I'm speaking to women and advising them to be generous to their husbands. I'm not all bashing men. You're reading in your own ideas that I didn't write.

    2. Wow, I don't know how he could get the idea that you were being negative about men there. This is what men really need, and it helps them to do their jobs. They don't get married thinking that they will have to do the work of being a husband without their needs being met. I think you were calling women to choose to give their husbands what they need in order to stay engaged in the marriage.

    3. Speak for yourself Mike. Sure men get married because they found someone they love to be with, hang out with, etc. But they like to be with and hang out sexually with them also. Sex is a major reason for marriage, as it is a person saying they only want sex (and everything else) with this one person.

      No man wants to have sex with a woman who just is "doing it for him", but when that becomes the attitude, it hurts the man. The one person you love to be with in every way, all of a sudden, has no interest in this part of you. If you have waited for this person for sex, it would hurt you even more.

  4. As a man, I will say that men do not marry a woman just to have sex, but it certainly is a reason they marry. This is even from Paul. If you are burning with passion (Have strong strong sexual desire) you should marry because that is the place for those passions to be fulfilled.

    And as for your statement about what no man wants, I know several several men who would disagree with you. I take it you're speaking of "duty sex." It's not preferred, but I would rather have that than nothing because if you wait until your wife has just as much passion as you do, you'll be waiting a long time and you might have sex eight times in your life. Besides, a woman can get into it once the act gets started, but her having sex is not meant to just be because she feels like it. It's supposed to be an act of love where she meets a need of her husband for that kind of love even if she doesn't feel like it.

    1. I don't she's calling for women to give their husbands duty sex, I think she is calling for women to CHOOSE to chase their husbands around regularly for passionate sex, whether they feel like it or not. I.e. - the husband shouldn't be able to know that there is any feeling against providing for his needs, just as the husband shouldn't whine about having to go to work and then providing for ungrateful people. He shouldn't communicate that providing for his family isn't what he wants to be doing, because that makes them feel guilty for needing him to do that.

    2. I think it can be duty sex. Sometimes, a wife doesn't feel like it and she can't make herself feel passion, but she will have sex anyway. I like how Kevin Leman has said that sometimes the wife can say "alright" and then a few minutes later it's "Don't stop! Don't stop!" A woman might not feel it at the time, but that doesn't change that her husband needs it.

  5. Please write an article that addresses this important topic from the opposite view. A wife who desperately desires intimacy with her husband but he's always too tired, busy or sore from work. PLEASE! I know all the biblical reasons for it, all the ways I'm supposed to be loving, respectful and receptive. I'm praying and encouraging him but he doesn't even like to talk about it. He only says he does find me attractive and doesn't know what the problem is. It's affecting how I see him and view myself. He's great at so many other things and I hate to complain but I'm at my whit's end. We're both in our 50's and on our 2nd marriages. We've only been married 7 years and this started after the 2nd year.

    1. It's not right for husbands to refuse sex either. Neither spouse should be able to dictate frequency or deny the other. A wife's body belongs to her husband, but the husband's body also belongs to the wife, according to the Bible.

      The trouble is, it's much easier to tell the one refusing to stop refusing than to tell the one wanting sex how to get it. We can't control our spouses, only ourselves.

      In this case, I suggest trying to figure out what the root cause is. Does your husband have low testosterone? Is he afraid he can't perform? Is he looking at porn and getting his satisfaction that way? Has he perhaps always had a low drive? Is he chronically stressed or in bad health? Are there other marriage problems that are causing him to withdraw from you? It's very hard to know how to solve the problem until you know what's causing it.

      Here are some blog posts from a Christian blog I read from time to time that address this issue.

    2. Cheryl....I am getting into this conversation very late...but my husband and I are also in our 50's and this is each of our second marriages though we have been married 26 years this June. My husband lost interest when he was about 52. It didn't bother me as I have never had a sex drive, and initially it didn't bother him. But eventually we both realized it was not normal or healthy so he went to his doctor. His testosterone was very low. The day after his first shot he was once again the man I had married....maybe your husband is dealing with the same issue.

  6. Part 1

    I'm sharing this as I saw this post shared on FB but thought it was just a picture at first. I liked what it said because I can so relate (as a woman). I used to not though. I saved and copied and pasted your picture (hope you dont mind), and i started typing what was on my mind. This is what came out from it. Part of my marriage testimony. After I posted. A woman messaged me rather upset. As she has a medical condition that causes extreme pain during sex. She doesn't believe any of what I said was spirit lead but rather "just a light bulb" turning on. It was not my intention to ruffle any feathers with what I said. But I can not deny that what I have experienced was a wake up call and from the Lord Himself. He changed me. And made a lot of changes in my marriage for the better. (Not just the sex part) It was a loooonnnng road in a dark valley before I even made it to where I am today.
    But anyway that is what the ( ***edit*** ) is a all about at the end. If you don't feel it's a libido issue in your marriage. Maybe this isnt for you. But the majority of us in healthy medical situations and (no addictions) it is.
    I know the Lord wants us to share our testimonies and so i'm going to try my best to be obedient in that. Praying what I have to say can help someone today.

    1. Part 2

      I'm going to be transparent here.
      You might say "WOW Too much info". But I need to speak this truth on this topic here. What many people don't understand when they are the lower libido spouse is that being told no REALLY DOES HURT! It IS torture.
      As the lower libido spouse (before my marriage journey) I was always saying no. (Well, not always, but it was quite a bit) (If you wanna sit down with me sometime i'll gladly share my testimony with you. It's a long story).
      But when we are the lower libido spouse we don't understand what our spouse is going through. We automatically think "they are sex obsessed". That they are being "ridiculous" when they get mad or upset. Or get given the silent treatment. The truth is. Being told no is a rejection that hits so deep. I had my own unrealized issues of why i'd say no at the time. In my mind it was "if i'm not in the mood then why should I?" But the truth is. God showed me how my husband felt when I told him "no" , or to "leave me alone", or "don't touch me!"

    2. Part 3

      One day on my marriage journey I prayed to God for a higher libido. I was reading in 1 Corinthians Chapter 7. I was angry at the time because of the way I had interpreted scripture. I basically had been lead by the devil to believe that I was only made for a "mans pleasure." I was so ANGRY! Because how could it be for me too if I wasn't in the mood and I just said yes just whenever he wanted it? Which to me I felt was A LOT! I felt dirty and used as a woman reading this with that faulty interpretation. After a while, because I was the lower libido spouse. I finally cried out. "LORD, if I am not supposed to deny my spouse... Then GIVE ME A HIGHER LIBIDO! ...."
      Oh boy, did He answer that and THEN some. Rather, immediately. God gave me THE higher libido and in turn I would soon find out what it felt like to be told no and denied that intimate connection.
      I had been filled with lies about what sex is all about. I previously thought it was only about "release" and something that we finally got to do because we are married. After I ended up learning (personally) about how it made my husband feel to be told no. I also started learning that Hey. I actually don't know enough about my own body as a woman either when it comes to this stuff. Something I learned is I have to be "warmed up" before I can be in the mood. Loved on first persay. God also revealed to me that I had deep rooted issues from my past that didn't allow me to release that control that I needed to let go to be completely vulnerable with my husband in that way. I was very guarded and cautious. He showed me through this experience that sex isn't just about physical release. It's about feeling One with your spouse. It's about feeling close. It's about love.

    3. Part 4

      If you have a disagreement and feel distanced, sex with your spouse will make you feel closer to them. A form of reconciliation. (when you talk it out first) It isn't something to be used against them. When we tell our spouse no. And they really want to feel that closeness to you (because that is what it is about. Feeling close, not just physical release.) and we deny them it can lead to temptations. (Read 1 Corinthians 7:5)
      (Not that they have to act on those temptations) but if your spouse has a particular sin they struggle with and being close to you in that way helps them avoid that sin what is it gonna do when they are denied that connection? That turns into a spiritual struggle. When we are the lower libido spouse we do not understand this struggle. The way that I have come to see it. We are ALL sexual beings. If we are the lower libido spouse those times that we do connect are what keeps our drives satisfied. It keeps us from being tempted. But with a higher libido spouse to be told no that is not just a struggle to feel close to you and feel loved. That is a struggle with temptation of sin. Because the devil WILL tempt you in this way. After I started realizing the hurt that I put onto my husband for saying no. My husband and I's libidos evened out. I was given the tools/knowledge to know what really controls my drive as a woman (my brain, I can't just sit around and wait for me to be in the mood). And all of this happening in the way that it did, showed me that God was teaching me a lesson.
      The devil does NOT want us connecting with our spouses. He wants us distanced from them. He wants to break up marriages. Families. This is one of the ways he does it. Sexual sin/temptation can happen in any marriage but are we going to allow Satan to break apart what God has brought together? This gift of sex in marriage is designed to keep us close. To feel as One with our spouse. To stay connected.

    4. Part 5

      [Note. I'm talking about denying your spouse consistently. There are times being told no is not WRONG. I personally believe that 1 Corinthians 7:4 talks about not being dominant over each other. Sex in marriage is STILL supposed to be mutual in marriage. But we must ask ourselves. Why are we denying our spouse? Why am I saying no? Because depending on what it is, is going to be whether it is a sin or not. And if you are the higher libido spouse we must show grace in this area. Throwing fits or getting angry does not make our spouse want to connect with you. It pushes them away more. But if we show them grace and self control in this area, how sexy is that? More than likely if you do this they will want to later.
      There are also times we must set up boundaries in this area. No one should be forced to do anything they do not want to if uncomfortable in the name of how someone thinks the bible is interpreted.]

      I guess that's all I am gonna say here. I honestly just wanted to share part of my testimony and let you know only part of what God has done for me in my marriage to make me and my husband closer to each other.(and it turned into this). I know many marriages struggle because of this. My hope and my prayer is that more marriages will experience what God has shown me and done for me in mine. Hope it can help you today. <3 have a blessed day.
      P.S. This message has my husbands blessing. (Just in case you were wondering.. Lol)

      Edit**** I understand there are instances in a marriage where their are medical issues where it may not be a libido thing. This is mostly directed towards those which the majority IS a libido issue. If you have medical issues, I am sorry if this came off to you the wrong way. It is not my intent to say this applies to everyone and make someone angry. As I know every circumstance is different. This is just what God has shown me in my marriage and hoping it can help others in the same situation as I was because it TRULY made a difference. Much love to you all.

  7. Most women don’t know this... but even if a man is attracted to you or even says he loves you...

    ...chances are he still feels something is missing.

    Because there is a secret, emotional need hidden within his heart that he craves more than anything.

    And in most cases, is not being met.

    The problem is, if it’s not being met, his attention will inevitably wander until he finds a woman who can give it to him.

    Maybe one in a thousand women knows how to do this instinctively, and they usually rise to unbelievable levels of influence and fame.

    But most women, or men for that matter, don’t even know it exists.

    On the other hand, when you have this 1 simple secret...

    You won’t believe the shocking effect you have on the men in your life.

    Here’s a video I discovered that shows you exactly what I’m talking about:

    Here’s how: ==> He’ll give his heart to the first woman who does THIS... ]