tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post6876063019770712518..comments2024-03-24T12:20:39.636-04:00Comments on Lindsay's Logic: Opposite Sex Friendships After Marriage: How to Guard Your HeartLindsay Haroldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13094965953749825163noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-65974178138070585992023-05-17T23:51:14.365-04:002023-05-17T23:51:14.365-04:00Thanks I have asked to go to counselling and he re...Thanks I have asked to go to counselling and he refuses! And I have explained it’s not an accusation that I’m trying to protect our marriage. I don’t believe anything is going on at all. But do think they are good feoends and talk about things that shouldn’t be talked about. <br />Nothing I can do but pray and hope the Lord removes her Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-39018812602326393482023-05-14T16:31:40.939-04:002023-05-14T16:31:40.939-04:00Perhaps counseling would be helpful if you are hav...Perhaps counseling would be helpful if you are having marital issues and your husband is becoming close with another woman. <br /><br />It may also help to have a calm conversation about this and stress that you are not accusing him, but you do want to have boundaries for your relationship to prevent trouble from the beginning so it never develops. Nobody just randomly decides they want to have an affair and destroy their marriage. It happens gradually, with lots of rationalization at each step, so that you think you're safe and it could never happen to you. That's why you need boundaries to prevent an inappropriate relationship from forming in the first place. Boundaries are not just for rocky marriages. They're how solid marriages stay solid.Lindsay Haroldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13094965953749825163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-86890820231799530002023-05-13T22:48:56.759-04:002023-05-13T22:48:56.759-04:00Hi.
My husband has become good friends with our w...Hi. <br />My husband has become good friends with our worker. We have been having trouble since the beginning of the year. And he has become close with her since. Although said he hasn’t shared anything with her about us. But he did tell her about my pregnancy which I lost. She asked if he was ok in a message and he said feel stuck between a rock and hard place. <br />He sees nothing wrong with this. He’s not Christian so I don’t know how to deal with this. Any mention of her he thinks I’m accusing him of something and feels attacked. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-51221051896159091362017-05-18T13:43:09.673-04:002017-05-18T13:43:09.673-04:00"Anonymous" husband of Sarah,
This cont..."Anonymous" husband of Sarah,<br /><br />This continued insistence on commenting here borders on the obsessive. You seem to be arguing against something I never claimed - namely, that a handful of one-on-one meetings with the opposite sex will definitely turn into a full blown affair. I have never said that. I have argued for wisdom to not take unnecessary risks with something as important as marriage.<br /><br />Your wife and her male friend probably are in the friend zone right now, but that doesn't mean there's no risk. I sincerely hope they never cross that line and that your marriage stays strong, and it might turn out that way. But there is a risk when this sort of relationship exists that if your marriage goes through a rough patch or there is rift in the marriage, a friendship with another man could turn into something more. I'm arguing for wisdom to avoid relationships that are too close and don't have accountability in order to protect the marriage so that the temptation isn't there when trouble comes.<br /><br />If you're happy with the way things are and think I'm worried about something that will never happen, you're welcome to your opinion. But your insistence in coming back here over and over to give updates to a complete stranger makes me wonder if you're really as sure as you claim. I don't know. Take my advice or leave it. It's up to you and your wife. I wish you well.Lindsay Haroldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13094965953749825163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-87856542285910680632017-05-18T00:15:04.542-04:002017-05-18T00:15:04.542-04:00Lindsay, my wife might be absolutely sure, but I&#...Lindsay, my wife might be absolutely sure, but I'm not sure. Two nights ago Sarah had plans to help our high school daughter with a school project, but when she received a text from her friend to go out for drinks, she quickly announced to all of us that she was going out with her friend, and promised to look at the project in the morning. She spent the next half hour getting ready, which is typical, and enjoyed going out for several hours. As promised she carefully looked over the project and offered thoughtful remarks.<br />Do you think that there's something here that I am just not seeing? Is there something more than just friends? If you've read all my previous comments, can you please offer something that might help me see that there could be something more than just friendship. I'm just not seeing it. She says that they are completely in the safe friend zone.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-74795162267406941582017-05-02T23:55:12.271-04:002017-05-02T23:55:12.271-04:00Hi Lindsay,
Since my last writing I have continued...Hi Lindsay,<br />Since my last writing I have continued to watch. Yes, my wife,Sarah, has gone out on two more occasions for drinks, each time for about 2 1/2 hours. When talking pleasantly with my wife, she absolutely insists they are just friends. She asks why I might think that opposite gender married friends can't develop a good healthy friendship, even a line has been crossed a bit before. She is absolutely sure of this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-73644820615964343542017-03-23T22:37:21.934-04:002017-03-23T22:37:21.934-04:00Hi Lindsay,
So I have waited and observed my wife ...Hi Lindsay,<br />So I have waited and observed my wife for exactly one month. I have been very observant to pick up the faintest of clues of what you seemed to suggest, and I have seen no evidence or sign of something more than just friends. My wife,Sarah, and her married male friend met once for drinks, talked for two hours to catch up on news, and nothing more. No phone calls, no texts, no chatting, no other visits. At home, all seems perfectly normal and good. So this all seems to indicate to your readers that it may be completely appropriate for some married opposite gender friends to meet alone together for wine once every month to chat and maintain thier friendship boundaries, even when some emotional/intimacy line were crossed earlier. In this case, it is especially true.<br />Lindsay, are you seeing where I am coming from?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-89332014968236519472017-02-24T21:19:07.527-05:002017-02-24T21:19:07.527-05:00Okay. "Mary", Sarah's friend is in f...Okay. "Mary", Sarah's friend is in fact, Sarah's forgiving and trusting husband. <br />That's me.<br /><br />I fully believe that there's absolutely nothing between Sarah and her friend---absolutely nothing. If this situation involved two others, the case might be different.<br />To me --- their friendship has in fact been transformed, and I can see them meeting as friends less frequently and simply to stay in touch as friends or help with some practical matters. That's all. Maybe their friendship might even fade completely out.<br />Yes, I perseverate only because of 1% doubt. Lindsay's wise and consistently logical comments were helpful but I personally, believe that they've pulled far back from the lines they crossed, established new boundaries, and have even retreated from those boundaries. I guess, I've answered my initial question as to the likelihood as to whether two married opposite gender friends might cross the line when some emotional / intimacy lines have already been crossed. The answer: it depends. In this case, the likelihood is almost nil.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-65438380851371655342017-02-24T13:34:37.296-05:002017-02-24T13:34:37.296-05:00Anonymous has written from the perspective of Mary...Anonymous has written from the perspective of Mary, Sarah's friend.<br />It sounds like this could be a cover for Sarah herself who is grappling with her own guilt, justifications, and rationalizations.<br />However, has anyone considered that Anonymous has been written by Sarah's trusting and forgiving husband, who is very aware and considerate of Sarah's transformed opposite gender friendship. Maybe he genuinely believes his wife (99%), but really wants to know (1% doubt) whether there is any likelihood that they'll ever go back to crossing lines.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-56405676288598342942017-02-24T13:23:59.067-05:002017-02-24T13:23:59.067-05:00I guess the big question is: What is appropriate f...I guess the big question is: What is appropriate for opposite gender friendships after marriage? I am sure you and all your readers will have different opinions about that, based on their broader worldview and individual perspective. I'm not sure there are absolutes in this case, but I don't want to sound like a relativist either. I do believe it depends on a number of factors and considerations:<br />1. individual maturity, responsibility, and integrity<br />2. commitment to spouse and marriage, which also includes continuously open and honest communication, respect, love, etc.<br />3. level of self awareness and honesty, which also includes to a desire and willingness<br /> to seek truth in regards to emotions, "chemistry", attraction,interest, and level of involvement with both opposite gender friend and even one's own spouse/marriage<br />4. ability and discipline to establish boundaries, clearly communicating boundaries, <br />and upholding boundaries<br />But then even this raises a lot of questions because friendship boundaries could be relative to points 1,2, and 3. If an individual is very mature, responsible, and has a lot of integrity, commitment and respect to one's spouse/marriage, and has a very open, honest and mature communication then this person could have much wider boundaries than a person who is younger, less mature, and responsible, etc. So I think it really depends. It may be appropriate or inappropriate for two married opposite gender friends to enjoy a once a month 3 hour visit over a couple of glasses of wine. It could be appropriate or inappropriate depending on the individuals involved. <br />In Sarah's case, seeing that they have already crossed the line, it raises even more questions. Lindsay has clearly stated it is inappropriate and I get it. Can people "grow up", become more mature and responsible? Can people be transformed? Can the friendship be transformed even after one has crossed the lines? Yes, I believe with God all things are possible if and only if, by prayer and petition both people earnestly seek the things mentioned above. I believe that in Sarah's case, it's very possible that her transformed friendship could be on its way to becoming more and more appropriate.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-44296508094540010572017-02-23T15:23:08.093-05:002017-02-23T15:23:08.093-05:00Concluding Remarks:
Lindsay,after considering all ...Concluding Remarks:<br />Lindsay,after considering all your very wise and consistent words, Sarah's complete openess and honesty with me, and my own intuition, I can safely say to all your readers that some opposite gender friendships between two married people can be transformed even after emotional lines have been crossed and are on the verge of getting near physically intimate lines. After this entire dialogue, I believe in Sarah's case, there is little likelihood that any more lines will be crossed. I believe that things have stabilized and are in control. I believe that Sarah and her friend have shown incredible maturity and responsibility in making very defined boundaries and sticking to their boundaries for half a year, and working very hard to change the nature of their friendship, which has happened. When Sarah told me she hasn't thought of her friend for over a month and the sexual attraction has diminished, then I know it's okay for them to meet as friends once every 4-5 weeks to just talk as friends, nothing more.<br />The nature of their talk is all good. The wine? 2 glasses of wine over 3 hours isn't much. I don't think that's going to really affect their thinking because it hasn't affected their thinking or blurred any lines between them. I congratulate Sarah and her friend on holding each other accountable to the defined boundaries. Sarah told me <br />yesterday that it takes no effort now because their friendship has changed. Opposite gender friendship between married people can work even after crossing lines if and only if there's these things:<br />1. Very clearly defined boundaries.<br />2. Steadfast commitment to honor and respect the boundaries.<br />3. Steadfast commitment to stay in the "friend zone".<br />4. Honest communication with spouse.<br />5. Respect and loyalty to spouse at all times.<br />6. Willingness to emotionally invest in one's own marriage.<br />7. Always being truthful about oneself, one's marriage, and one's <br /> opposite gender friendship.<br />8. Constant honest communication with spouse.<br />9. Showing gratefulness to one's spouse for trust.<br />10. Praying for God's strength to help maintain strength,<br /> responsibility, focus, commitments, respect, faithfulness and<br /> love towards one's spouse, and truthfulness.<br />If these things, plus more, are in place, then every reader should know that it's totally okay to enjoy your nights out with a married opposite gender friend even after<br />lines have been crossed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-77123237778389687752017-02-22T20:51:07.925-05:002017-02-22T20:51:07.925-05:00One more comment. I did ask Sarah whether she shou...One more comment. I did ask Sarah whether she should stop seeing him altogether (for the reasons you mentioned - control,fleeing temptation,preventing any undercurrent of sexual tension from building again, etc.) and Sarah said she would only do so if either her own husband or friend's spouse insisted that they do so, out of respect for them. Otherwise, she indicated very little and seemingly nonexistent undercurrent of sexual tension right now, no temptation with such clear and tight boundaries, lots of control, and the current state of their transformed friendship. She thinks it's totally fine to meet once every 4-5 weeks over a couple of wine to chat pleasantly about each other's lives. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-4632495352457459972017-02-22T20:27:51.053-05:002017-02-22T20:27:51.053-05:00Thanks Lindsay once again for your thoughtful resp...Thanks Lindsay once again for your thoughtful responses and wisdom. I can appreciate all that you've written, and today over lunch with Sarah, I managed to share some of your thought as questions,"Sarah do you think that....?" She shared openly and honestly and I can share with you what I've gathered today. They,their = Sarah and her male friend.<br />1. Their boundaries has led to a definite lessening in tension/chemistry.<br />2. There hasn't been any texting or calling for half a year.<br />3. Sarah doesn't think of him until she gets ready to go out.<br />4. Sarah goes out only to enjoy talking with a friend.<br />5. Sarah has always gotten along better with men than women because<br /> men are less complicated<br />6. They've always talked only positively about their spouses/families.<br /> They respect and honor each other's marriages.<br />7. They both have good marriages.<br />8. Sarah is putting much more effort into her own marriage than she did<br /> half a year ago.<br />9. They never talk about the sexual aspect of their lives.<br />10. They both mention to their spouses when they go out and with whom.<br /> It seems that their spouses are okay with this and trusting.<br />11. Sarah has been honest to her own spouse about some of the attraction<br /> and tension, but has also told her spouse that the nature of their <br /> friendship has changed a lot. She told her own husband that she's<br /> committed to her own marriage.<br />12. Sarah's husband is satisfied that her friendship has been normalized<br /> and won't cross any lines in the future. (Yes, I did mention to Sarah<br /> that she's already crossed other lines)<br />13. They all seem to believe that the friendship has changed and what happened<br /> is in the past and will stay there.<br /><br />So what I'm gathering is that there's diminished attraction/tension, clear boundaries, no deception, no secrecy,no delusion, and a completely changed friendship. Yes, they meet once every 4-5 weeks to chat, and that's it. When I listen to Sarah, I believe that they won't cross any more lines. Yes, like you said, multiple lines were crossed before. Maybe there's been a lot of forgiveness (I don't know) or patience or prayer.<br />Is it possible that this opposite gender friendship between Sarah and her friend has been redeemed and transformed? Or is there still a chance it could go back to where it once was (I don't think so after listening to Sarah). God may have truly changed their friendship. Would God condone a normal amiable friendship between a married man and a married woman who meet once every 4-5 weeks over two glasses of wine to chat about their lives, including church/Christian matters, a little break from their daily lives?<br />I'm very curious as to what you think, Lindsay, after sharing the conversation I had with Sarah today.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-1261192959312034412017-02-22T12:09:40.935-05:002017-02-22T12:09:40.935-05:00"Sarah says that it's easier to stay very..."Sarah says that it's easier to stay very accountable to the boundary because they defined it together and has said that they've held each other accountable."<br /><br />That's not how accountability works. It's not accountability at all if it's just the two people involved in the relationship. Accountability means having someone OUTSIDE the relationship who can check in on them and tell them where they're being inappropriate and so on. They can't hold themselves accountable. And thinking they can hold themselves accountable gives them a false sense of security while also increasing their connection and intimacy with each other. After all, it's very intimate to check with each other on how your relationship is going and how intimate you are getting.<br /><br />"Sarah is very mature and responsible in all areas of life, so I believe her."<br /><br />Not this area, apparently.<br /><br />"I guess the big question is whether their friendship, as it exists right now,is okay? I can't see it going anywhere because it has slowed down a lot. But could it ever go back???"<br /><br />No, their friendship as it is now is NOT okay. Having inappropriate intimacy outside their marriage isn't okay because it's developing more slowly than it was. They haven't done anything to actually kill the feelings they have for one another like seeking accountability or avoiding one-on-one dates. They're just trying to rein in those feelings while continuing with the same behaviors that built them in the first place, just less frequently. It's time to stop building the feelings at all. No more one-on-one meetings period.<br /><br />"They've succeeded in getting things under control. Once they feel like they're totally in control, is there a possibility that they could slip and cross another line?"<br /><br />I'm telling you that they don't have it under control, as their excuses make very clear. Feeling like they're in control is setting them up to fall. The way you know you have it under control is that there is no opportunity for sin because you're never alone together with a person you're attracted to and not married to and you're instead investing in your own marriage. What they have isn't control and it isn't stable. It's a current, seething under the surface, that they keep trying to put a lid on instead of fleeing temptation as they should. <br /><br />It's not enough to simply stop crossing new lines. You have to go back over all the lines and stay on the other side of them - and that requires avoiding all one-on-one meetings that built the inappropriate intimacy in the first place.Lindsay Haroldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13094965953749825163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-14105339720305069122017-02-21T18:58:12.199-05:002017-02-21T18:58:12.199-05:00Hi Lindsay,
Just read your an additional note. You...Hi Lindsay,<br />Just read your an additional note. You are an amazing clear communicator. I think I have a better understanding of what is happening with Sarah's friendship.They have most likely crossed a lot of lines already as you say, a lot of emotional ones, more than I realize, probably. And now they have had to make special steps to get things under control. They've succeeded in getting things under control. Once they feel like they're totally in control, is there a possibility that they could slip and cross another line? I don't know.<br />Back to the original question: if things continue in their stable and controled state as they're going now, is there any likelihood, that they could cross a major line? what are the chances?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-27675510784545361272017-02-21T18:46:57.976-05:002017-02-21T18:46:57.976-05:00Thanks again Lindsay.
It makes more sense to stop ...Thanks again Lindsay.<br />It makes more sense to stop revving the engine so that the car is stationary.<br />It doesn't make sense to rev the engine with the gas pedal, while holding down the brake pedal. I do wonder, though, that after maintaining clear boundaries for half a year, the engine between Sarah and her friend has slowed substantially with their once a month visits. Sarah doesn't talk about her friendship as much as she used to (and she's always very open and honest), and I'm thinking that things have calmed down, even with once a month visits. When I once called these visits "dates", Sarah insisted they were not dates, but just showing an interest in each other's lives. "He's just my good friend.We enjoy each other's company.We have fun talking." She feels that her friendship is safe and comfortable because the boundaries are being honored.Regardless, as you said, this friendship is separate from the rest of her life. Is that okay?<br />Sarah says that it's easier to stay very accountable to the boundary because they defined it together and has said that they've held each other accountable. <br />Sarah is very mature and responsible in all areas of life, so I believe her.<br />I don't know too much about him, but looking at all his leadership credentials, as well, he seemed very committed. I suspect, they can hold each other accountable. They're doing it. But not sure whether the line might be crossed down the road. I am sure that it wouldn't be a good idea that each other's spouses get together. Sarah has told me her husband knows about the visits but trusts her. I think he's had some interactions through sports and committee work. <br />I guess the big question is whether their friendship, as it exists right now,is okay? I can't see it going anywhere because it has slowed down a lot. But could it ever go back???<br />Thanks again Lindsay, for all your wise words.<br />Mary<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-13093065999142329932017-02-21T17:52:51.748-05:002017-02-21T17:52:51.748-05:00"I do believe Sarah that she and her friend w..."I do believe Sarah that she and her friend won't cross the line."<br /><br />I think part of the problem with this view is that they've already crossed the line. They're already in an inappropriate relationship and they're building emotional intimacy outside their marriage, thus robbing their own spouses of the emotional intimacy that rightfully belongs to them. Actual sex between them isn't the only line they shouldn't cross. By the time it gets to a physical affair, it's because many other lines were already crossed. They're already on that road. They've already crossed lines. They've already been unfaithful in some ways. An affair doesn't happen because people wake up one day and decide to have sex with someone else. They tell themselves the entire way that nothing will happen, they haven't done anything wrong yet, they have boundaries, it's not cheating - all while building an emotionally intimate relationship with someone not their spouse. They cross all the lines, one at a time, while pretending the only line that matters is having intercourse and as long as they haven't done that, they have it all under control. And that's how affairs happen. You can't excuse crossing other lines of intimacy without placing yourself in very real danger of crossing the final one.Lindsay Haroldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13094965953749825163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-11108828075836001652017-02-21T17:44:14.781-05:002017-02-21T17:44:14.781-05:00"Sarah does not see her visits as dates, but ..."Sarah does not see her visits as dates, but as visits to catch up on each other's lives."<br /><br />She may not see them as dates, but that is what they are. A man and woman getting together, just the two of them, to socialize and learn more about each other's lives is a date. There's a reason dating couples do this and it's because it builds emotional intimacy.<br /><br />"Sarah also doesn't like the idea of each other's spouses being included because to use her words "that would be awkward" and doesn't serve any purpose."<br /><br />If it would be awkward to have her husband there or for her friend to have his wife there, that is evidence that something inappropriate is going on. It would be awkward because she's trying to keep her relationship and feelings for this other man in a box, isolated from the rest of her life, so she can engage in fantasy about him. Bringing the rest of her real life into the picture breaks the illusion and merges her separate worlds into one, with all the mental clash that entails. That's why she should be including her family if she is going to continue to be friends with this man. It breaks her mental fantasy and gives accountability, bringing what is hidden to the light.<br /><br />Remember that the human heart is deceitful above all things. This woman is deluding herself, pretending to herself until she may actually believe it, that continuing to date another man she has feelings for and keeping the relationship separate from the rest of her life is somehow safe as long as they have "boundaries" which no one is able to hold them accountable to because they don't seek accountability.<br /><br />"Do you think the line will be crossed if they both honor the boundaries?"<br /><br />Let me ask you this. If you get in a car on the edge of a cliff, hold down the brake pedal, and start revving the engine with the gas pedal, should you feel safe because you have boundaries (the brake pedal)? Or should you stop revving the engine if you can't go anywhere?Lindsay Haroldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13094965953749825163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-91627446822964704682017-02-21T17:28:44.732-05:002017-02-21T17:28:44.732-05:00Thanks Lindsay.
I just want to clarify a few thin...Thanks Lindsay. <br />I just want to clarify a few things.<br />Sarah, who has always been honest with me as her closest friend, insists that they are just friends, and have been friends for almost a decade.<br />Sarah does not see her visits as dates, but as visits to catch up on each other's lives. Sarah also insists that that they are respectful and supportive of each other families, and that they have never complained or disrespected their spouses.In fact, Sarah always tries to speak lovingly about her own spouse. Sarah is very confident that the appropriate boundaries have been set and has told me that they are very careful to not cross any lines out of respect for their spouses and families. I don't think she thinks she is playing with fire. Sarah doesn't see anything wrong with meeting once a month just to chat about each others lives. Sarah also doesn't like the idea of each other's spouses being included because to use her words "that would be awkward" and doesn't serve any purpose. I don't know what to think. I do believe Sarah that she and her friend won't cross the line.However, you never know. Do you think the line will be crossed if they both honor the boundaries?<br />BTW, they both show a lot of integrity in all areas of their life.<br />Sarah is a devout Christian woman.<br />MaryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-63646151399265464982017-02-21T15:12:27.056-05:002017-02-21T15:12:27.056-05:00I can't tell you what will happen, but I can t...I can't tell you what will happen, but I can tell you this relationship is inappropriate and is playing with fire. They don't need to be meeting alone for dinner or wine, especially when they know they have a sexual attraction to one another. Call it what it is. They're going on dates together. When they're already married to other people. They're not being careful or respectful of their spouses. They're doing what feels good even though it's dangerous and inappropriate, and they're telling themselves that having boundaries like meeting once a month are somehow going to make it okay. <br /><br />Boundaries are to prevent developing feelings in the first place. That line is already crossed. Now they have to make no opportunity for acting on their feelings by refusing to spend time alone together at all. It's not okay for a married man to go on a date alone with a female friend. It's not okay for a married woman to go on a date alone with a male friend. <br /><br />Not only are they building inappropriate intimacy with each other, but they're being emotionally unfaithful to their spouses already. It is very likely that physical intimacy will one day follow if they keep up this unfaithful behavior. They must stop spending time alone together at all and only see each other in context of both their families getting together (if at all) so that there is accountability and no opportunity for getting further into sin.Lindsay Haroldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13094965953749825163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-87300114226702284472017-02-21T14:10:26.179-05:002017-02-21T14:10:26.179-05:00Hi Lindsay,
I have a very important question. If t...Hi Lindsay,<br />I have a very important question. If two married opposite gender friends sort-of cross the line by a longer than normal close affectionate hug, then set clear boundaries and stick to them for half a year, what is the probability of crossing the line again?<br />I have a friend,Sarah, and she admits that they are both attracted to each other and enjoy conversing. They met 2-3 times per month at various lounges/pubs while sharing a bottle of wine or more. Sarah said they talk about their families in positive ways, vacations, sports, work, and personal interest/dreams. Sarah also admits that there was just a constant sexual tension, and looked forward to going out with him. Then came the long close intimate hug - sort of sexual, initiated by him. Sarah said she just smiled, and said, "Well then,.." and that was that. Soon after, Sarah's male friend took his family on a 7 week international vacation. When he returned, boundaries were established, including meeting only once a month. Sarah said they still go out once a month, each time for three hours, and one bottle of wine. Sarah says they are both very careful, except one time when Sarah's friend's wife was out of town, Sarah enjoyed 5 hours (till 2:00am) just talking and sharing 1 1/2 bottles of wine with him. They had a great time. And then a quick hug. Sarah admits if they were single they would be a pair for sure. She would rather meet 2-3 times with him. She just showing respect for his wife and family, and her own husband. But here's the real question. If htey continue their current friendship (once per month visits), what are the chances that their relationship could cross the line into something more intimate and sexual? Right now, they are both very careful and respectful of their partners. I'm just very curious as to what you think. I assume you might say they should further limit contact, but that won't be happening. They've both agreed to their current boundaries and seem to have stuck to it after half a year. So it seems to be working. Is this sustainable or will they cross the line?<br />MaryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-73054777691805696212015-10-10T17:26:29.880-04:002015-10-10T17:26:29.880-04:00This is a great article. I am so glad someone is b...This is a great article. I am so glad someone is bringing light on these myths. I wholeheartedly believe that as Christians we can have better intimacy and fun in our marriages than anyone else. Thanks for this post!<a href="http://www.relationshipeguide.com/how-to-rekindle-sexual-intimacy-in-your-relationship/" rel="nofollow">how to rekindle a intimacy partner</a><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-71609846636777071572014-08-04T15:01:37.379-04:002014-08-04T15:01:37.379-04:00Then you have an unhealthy way of doing relationsh...Then you have an unhealthy way of doing relationships that you should work on.Lindsay Haroldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13094965953749825163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-28335871160468305982014-08-04T14:53:57.914-04:002014-08-04T14:53:57.914-04:00Your advise here simply can't work for me, sin...Your advise here simply can't work for me, since I can't be friend with other Men at all. The Gay ones and the Straight ones, it doesn't matter, their to idealistically obsessed with with their narrow views of Masculinity.<br /><br />It's only Women I can be friends with. because it's only them I can stand being around.Kuudere-Kunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06537085979461349854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5576985008275511255.post-26189029003987034382013-09-26T15:53:54.954-04:002013-09-26T15:53:54.954-04:00To gauge if something is inappropriate, you have t...To gauge if something is inappropriate, you have to consider more than just your motives. Your motives can be completely innocent (and they probably are), and the comment can still be inappropriate. You have to consider both how the friend might see it AND how your fiance might see it. In this case, your fiance is apparently not okay with what you said. That's a red flag that you might be getting too familiar with your male friend. Certainly you're being more familiar than your fiance is comfortable with, and that's a problem, even if both you and your friend think nothing of it right now. <br /><br />You should consider how comfortable your fiance is with your conversations with other men as very important. How would you feel if your fiance told an old female friend (or old girlfriend) that he misses her? He might mean nothing by it, but it probably would make you a little uncomfortable, even if you trust him and know he means nothing by it. And if you voiced your discomfort with something your fiance said to another woman, you would want him to take that into consideration and avoid that in the future. You should do the same for him. The best policy is to avoid any familiarity that your fiance is not okay with, even if you don't currently see a reason for the concern. If you value your relationship, you will have to make his concerns a priority.<br /><br />As for being "very open," while it is good that you do not share anything with other men you would not share with your fiance, it is easily possible to be too open without breaking that rule. The fact that you would share certain info with your fiance does not mean it is okay to share with others also. Some things are best kept private between the two of you, and that includes much of how you feel about things going on in your life, your future hopes and dreams, and a number of other intimate details of your life. You mention that you never spend time alone with thse friends, but keep in mind that a private conversation, even if it is electronic, is time spent alone with them. You don't have to be physically present to be alone with someone, and you don't have to spend time face-to-face in order to develop an emotional connection or even have an emotional affair. Guard even your emotions and your electronic communication if you want to make your relationship last.Lindsay Haroldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13094965953749825163noreply@blogger.com